Watch Where You Step: A Note to Pedestrians

I find this necessary to write because, in the past two weeks, this incident has occurred no less than three times. Here goes..

I'm driving, okay? And the sun is out, big, bright, and beautiful. I am making a left hand turn at an intersection where I have no arrow, so I sit and wait for oncoming traffic to die down a bit. I make my turn and find, crossing the street onto which I am turning, a pedestrian. I slam on brakes and wait for them to pass.

Normally, this is not an issue. I am mindful of pedestrians having been one many times myself. However, as I said before, the rare anomaly of a sunshiny, winters day has hindered my ability to see these guys. Why? Well, because there is this thing when light is cast upon an object. That thing is called "shadow." If you need a lesson in light and shadow, may I suggest an art class at your community center? Or perhaps kindergarten?

Alright, so we have a city full of buildings, sunshine, light casting shadow...if you are standing in the shadows before you get your signal to walk, I will not be able to see you and, hence, a near accident may occur. The operative word in that previous sentence is clearly "near," because no accident has occurred. Not yet! Nor is it my intention to scare you as you're crossing the street. I'm not trying to give you a jolt. Contrary to my actions and testimonies, I do enjoy humanity. I like people. The reason I get so damned irritated with all of us is that we can all be selfish jags. (Also, it is because I work in customer service and people go brain dead when they shop. But that's neither here nor there. ) So, why on earth would I try and kill you on a seemingly calm and normal Thursday morning?

I am not writing this to put blame on you, Pedestrian. Though I do find your behavior after I hold up my hands and mouth "I'm sorry" in your direction a bit troublesome. So far I've gotten the, "What the fuck, you idiot!" look, the "Well, I am just scandalized" hand on the hip, and a very loud and obnoxious, "HEEEEEEEEEEEEY!" from a woman I am fairly certain I recall from a fight on a subway train in New York back in 2005. All of these reactions forcing me, begging me to scream, "Well...fuck you!"

Honestly. As I have said before, these incidents were not intentional. I simply did not see you. It should teach you something. It should teach you that we all need to work together to stay safe. Your walk signal is not the word of God. Oncoming traffic can still happen. Either it is a person like me who is making a left at the intersection, or it is your run-of-the-mill jackass who feels they are above the law and can disobey traffic signals. You, the pedestrian, need to be just as mindful of cars as I, the driver, should be of you.

Can we join forces? Can we put aside our differences and work together so no one dies? I do not think I am better than you simply because I have a car and you have to walk. I'm simply warmer.

Hatred.

Like hell I'm not!

Girl Talk

Great Moments in YouTube Comment History, Vol. 4

"a little gay but cool and fuuny "
-from George Washington

"Kool :D "
-from Kevin Regurgitating Cheese

"awesome! i didnt know this song and spongebob could make a combination its cool, i showed my mom and she laughed her head off when she saw mister crabs scream or whatever oh and im listening to rap and rock that stuff because im a tomboy which is a girl that likes boy stuff "
-from Spongebob sings Just Lose It by Eminem

Target.com

While searching for "hair accessories" on Target's website, I came across this...

Conversations at work

After doing a short bit, complete with a character voice for someone named "Greggles"

Me: I'm assuming, by hearing the voice you've chosen, Greggles is a cartoon mouse who wears glasses.

Daniel: You're essentially correct. He could also be a talking cactus.

Where the Heart Is

"There are many things in life that will catch your eye, but only a few will catch your heart. . . pursue those."

"

I Blame You, Nicholas Sparks

This is really stupid.

And this is stupid.

Stupid.

Stupid.

Seriously. Go. Inside. How is this romantic?

I heard that a chick made out with a pig in the rain and that's how swine flu happened. No?

Great Moments in YouTube Comment History, Vol. 3

"I was able to "sail away" when I was 18 and 2 months......youngest member of the crew......my Dad was a Capt. at at 25, also the youngest member of the crew......me in 1967, he in Fall, 1943.......Have you had the chance to sail away?"

- from Enya's ''Sail Away (Orinoco Flow)'

"i reckon hes hannible lector lool"

-from Cannibalism Tribe-BBC

"Crap video. Where the fuck is the Anaconda? What, it got like 3 screen cuts and was out of the video? You should have named this video Croc eating Huge-ass rat not Croc vs Anaconda. Misleading name, waste of time. o_O"

-from Crocodile vs Anaconda-BBC Wildlife

This post now has a name

Oh.
And I found this thing on Etsy.
It's selling for $78. That's all. No big deal.


I am just enamored with this!
They even have a pic of its ass.
















See? Isn't life grand?

Sums up the holiday nicely

Last night, I had a Reese's Peanut Butter Heart. And it wasn't so much heart-shaped as it was this:

Gross.

I would have taken an actual photo, but I was driving at the time and the thing just had to be eaten. You understand.

Alanis. Is THIS ironic?!

This was seriously the captcha I had to enter before posting my blog about marriage to Facebook.

In the Area of Things That Aren't Important

Today, we explore the marriage of strangers.



I, myself, have never been married. At certain points in my life I have contemplated what it may feel like to be wed. I've even geeked out over the sight of wedding dresses, though I attribute that to my love of clothing more so than a deep-rooted desire to have a fairytale romance. One thing I cannot fathom is how people who are married (or close to being) suddenly feel that the entire universe is just as excited about these nuptials as the bride and groom themselves.

I do not mean to attack my own gender, but nine times out of ten , it is the bride who is guilty of committing the social crime of announcing wedded bliss at the top of her lungs, inappropriately, as if she's really sticking it to the people of the world that she, in fact, does have someone who loves her. Forever. When, truth be told, all she is doing is proving my own hypothesis: the majority of weddings happen purely for selfish reasons, not for love. Hence, the ever-present, ridiculously high divorce rate.


So, what's all this bitching about? It doesn't stem from a slew of broken hearts or a life of unrequited loves. Nor does it come from a lifelong search for my perfect soul mate. No, my disdain towards mouthy brides derives from a very unlikely source: working in retail.


For the last little while I've been selling tickets for a living. More often than not a woman will approach the will call window for her tickets, and the conversation will proceed something like this:

Her: I've got six tickets under Gallagher.
Me: Gallagher?
Her: Yes.
Me: There are no tickets under that name. Is there someone else in the party who may have used their last name?
Her: Oh. No. I mean...you could try Sprouse.
Me: Are you Stephanie?
Her: Yes.
Me: Yep, they're right here. Stephanie Sprouse.
Her: Oh, my God! That's my maiden name. I couldn't remember if I put them in my maiden name or my married name. I guess I still have them under my maiden name.

Okay, we get it. You're married. Do you still want these tickets or do you no longer identify with the woman you were before you donned that white dress and walked down the aisle to your Prince Charming in front of your family, your friends, and a few acquaintances you don't really like you just invited them for the gifts? Am I supposed to take this as my cue to congratulate you? Because the story as to why you can't keep your crap straight long enough to determine which last name you used to book your tickets is not as important as you taking said tickets and going into the theater to enjoy the show, so I can hand out tickets to the 299 other people who are attending the performance tonight.

We may both be women so therefore, I know the pain you feel once monthly. I get cramps, bloating, fatigue, and an extreme thirst for chocolate. But we are not sisters. I am not a squealy girl. And, therefore, I am not ecstatic over your post wedding amnesia and euphoria. You are a stranger to me and, where I do wish you well as a human being, I simply do not take that much interest in your love life.

Please, stop being obnoxious.

Poems from Taiwan

I recently ordered a cosmetic off of Ebay which was shipped to me from Taiwan (with a quickness, might I add!) in a scented envelope.

The scented envelope is pink and decorated with a poem. I can't help but find this poem suggestive and creepy. I mean, seriously. I believe they may be referencing a vagina. I'll share it with you now...verbatim.

Scent

by some Taiwanese Envelope Sachet Maker with a bit of a creative streak and a mild grasp of the English language

(Okay, that part I made up. But it is called "Scent.")

*ahem...cue my bongos, please*

Scent

I live on a island a silent island

The winds comes and it never stops

sometimes it brings

The scent of the Mediterranean sea

sometimes it brings

the scent of the Saharan sand

but I know it will bring somewhere

the scent of my island too

Mmmm...can you smell the scent of my island?

Iron-On Transfers: An analysis

I've had these transfers for a couple of years now. (Thank you, Tammy.)

And I never had a shirt for them. Until now...

So I dug them out of their safe haven and revisited them. They are amazing.

Ladies and gents...Miss Kitty Kat. Miss Kitty Kat, say 'hello' to the ladies and gents.

Here we have Miss Kitty Kat taking part in the standard household chore of sweeping the floor.

Please note it is much easier to clean your floors sans pants, but wearing an apron. (Oh, and P.S. "Shoo, floating, disembodied, kitty head! Get the hell outta here!")

The same goes for ironing.

Please note: Sans pants, bow around neck.

How about hanging out the wash?

Ah. Apron again, complete with a pouch for clothes pins.

Here's an interesting thing I didn't know. Kitties wear jackets (or perhaps this is a cardigan) while shopping for groceries. However, the afternoon frolic through the flowers requires...

BOOM! A full dress, complete with a hat, belt, pearls, and a handbag. I mean, she looks so put-together and fancy, so presentable. It's almost as if she's on her way to church. Right?

Wrong! This vixen praises and sings her hymns while she is straight-up, buck nude!

What a whore.

Great Moments in YouTube Comment History, Vol. 2

"Because in todays world, if a kid hits you - nothing happens

If you hit a kid, your in jail."

-from LARPlayers vs. Angry Children

"taking the piss out of other peoples hobbies is for lil cocksuckin nerds...."

-from Cube Rubik With Feet

"they get called gay caus they all look like girls when they are young, if people who call them gay saw what they look like now they would be baffled. they are all men"

-from Hanson's MMMBop

...It hurts to look at you.

I've been watching a ton of My So-Called Life, so much, in fact, that Angela Chase's moods have coincided with my monthly cycle--making me super emo. And to think my grandmother wishes I would find my "soulmate" already. If I were currently in a relationship, he would be tortured, make no mistake. Here's what I think now that I'm reviewing the show.

First off, can we talk about Angela's tendency to run her fingers through her hair? It was as if she had to make sure her locks were still intact. And, with the magic of television, she was able to do this and still avoid having her head become a grease pit.

Also, she cocked her head to the side more often than a curious puppy. Which means she'd have some terrible neck pain today. I am convinced.

I also feel that Jordan Catalano would have probably amounted to nothing. At the most, he'd have gone on to manage a record shop. And what's become of record shops these days?

Angela's younger sister, Danielle, would have gone on to be a props mistress for a theater company in the city. Why? Because, I've met this girl over a dozen times. She's a little off, but a secret genius, artistic. She'd have a live-in boyfriend who wears animal costumes in public for kicks, they'd have a pet pig, and hold a commitment ceremony with a nerdy theme. (I'm thinking anime or Renaissance.)

Angela's parents, Patty and Graham, would eventually have heart problems and Alzheimer's, respectively.

Rayanne would move into an RV with a boy named, Snake Pit, and they would live off the land.

Ricky Vasquez would just be fabulous. Always. And probably my roommate.

Sharon is married. She has three kids, and her life is terribly boring.

Brian Krakow would be a scientist, or a lawyer, or a conservative politician and would most definitely have lost his virginity late in life to a mail-order bride, or some chick he found on Craigslist.

Angela? She's a freelance writer and an environmentalist. She's would have had many torrid affairs with older men. She may have dabbled with lesbianism. And, if she ever married, she would have kept her last name, because surnames were so important to that girl, it's like, I don't know, beyond ridiculous.

The Afternoon: A List.

*Leave work.

*Drive home.

*Take pills for headache.

*Dump trash.

*Contemplate emptying dishwasher, but search for a snack instead.

*Feed cat.

*Take nap.

*Wake up w/ headache intact.

*Watch favorite episode of "My So-Called Life"

*Cry about it, because why? Why did Mr. Racine have to leave? And how is that Angela's hero was so flawed? It's just so unjust.

Things a Single Lady Might Say.

"I'd better be hearing the right cat eating out of the right bowl or my wine buzz is going to be ruined."

This was another installment of Things A Single Lady Might Say.

Gisele Bundchen, who didn't even wear maternity clothes while pregnant, recently gave birth and was quoted on the matter. "[It] didn't hurt in the slightest."

Here's what my good friend Jo had to say about such business:

"Of course it didn't! You're a supermodel, you're married to Tom Brady, and you gave birth and it probably felt like a burp to you. You probably got an orgasm from it. Some people have everything! It is so rude."

Things You Shouldn't Say...

...into your cell while crossing the street with your small child.

"I'm fittin' ta go back in there and knock her muthafuckin' head off."

Would would have also accepted:
"I can' believe dat muthafuckah"
or
"Dis shit done pissed my ass off."

Great Moments in YouTube Comment history, Vol. 1

"no, that wasnt taylor lautner at 0:56 that guy was whiter and his eyes werent as closed "
-from "Popstar part 1" video

"Miley Cyrus, u suck....but nice dress!??!" (Because, it's a question as to whether or not the dress is actually nice.)
-from Miley Cyrus at the 2010 Grammy Awards

"Hilary Duff's ACCORDING TO GRETA is amazing. Greta wants a tattoo Hilary already has 5 tattoos - at least check out wikipedia's tattoo ink article so you know why they are health damaging, cancer and birth defect causing :/ LOVE LOVE LOVE Hilary Duff either way."
-from 'Frozen' film trailer

"Why can't this video be embedded? Lame sauce."
-from "PANCAKES!"

"Hell yeah i'm jealous. :( "
-from "Nights in Rodanthe" trailer

People are mad

Guys, it's awards season. Full of excitement, fashion dos and don'ts, and hatred. Lots and lots of hatred. Folks will get upset about some wins and nominations. Want proof? Check out Facebook and Twitter:

"Stanley Tucci for Best Supporting? Seriously?"

"Avatar and Sandra B??? Really?? Oscar might have dropped the ball this year."

"Where's Kanye when you need him?"

Do we really have nothing better to concern ourselves with than awards for which we didn't have the potential to win? I'm including myself in this, not pointing fingers. I mean, I wasn't up for a Grammy, so why should I give a damn that Taylor Swift won? Is it really that relevant in the grand scheme of things?

Seriously. I'm legit in my asking. I mean...this happened.

Life=stressful, huh gang?!