Walls to Hit

Ever felt like the personification of one of these?
It's not as fun as you might think.

Quit it.

This conversation needs to stop happening.

Person 1: The weather is so [insert unpredictable craziness here]
Person 2: I know! Global warming...
Person 1: Yeah...
Person 2: I'm serious! It [blanked] in [blank city]. And it's March! Can you believe that?

Person 1 is probably aware of global warming. Person 1 is just commenting on the current situation without starting a deep and depressing conversation about the state of the world. Person 2 should probably stop regurgitating what they hear on the news and presenting it as if it was their own idea. Stop being so uppity about your knowledge of global warming.

Kate.

Kate Gosselin,





You recently said in People magazine that the public calling you a bad mother "destroys" you. You asked the question, "Why can't a mom have fun?" and you claim you've managed well juggling your family and your fame.

As a member of society, I thought I could give you a little insight as to why people are so infuriated by your behavior. It's quite simple. You see, you don't do anything, bitch!

You are famous for popping out those eight kids. That is why you were thrust into the spotlight in the first place. Not only that, but you did it yourself. There are plenty of mothers out there who have had eight or more children and they aren't cashing check after million dollar check. Nor do they co-host The View or appear on an overly-hyped, cheesy, dance competition show for has beens. You made your life what it is and don't think for a second you come across as honest or sincere.

And while you claim you are perfectly capable of raising the children you exploited while maintaining your inexplicable ride on the wave of fame, I seriously doubt it and no one else is buying it either. Why? Because we saw how bitchy and stressed out you were when you were raising eight children while still married. How? Because of the camera crew you let take over your home. This was prior to your book tour,your weave, and your spray tan! I don't even think Angelina Jolie has the means to perfectly juggle her menagerie of children and her film career without the aid of at least two nannies. Ah, but see, there is a difference between you and Jolie. A big one! Whereas you are a product manufactured by the soul-sucking, pop culture satan known as reality television, Angelina Jolie is well-known for actually having discernible talent.

And that, Kate Gosselin, is why no one really likes you.

The Grass is Greener

"I like the fact that what I view in myself as irreversibly, screwed up, self-destructive lonliness can be envied by someone who is constantly caught up in someone else's sexual parts."- Me

You should be ashamed

I Just Don't Get It

I love you, pop culture, but every now and then there is something about you I just cannot wrap my head around.


So...Lady Gaga. I've talked about it. She used to bother me. Some catchy songs, yes, but I used to find the spectacle that surrounds her completely obnoxious. As a gay man trapped in a woman's body, I didn't quite understand why I just didn't get her when all my friends seemed to worship her, hanging on every word and move that she made. I am now indifferent to it. Whatever. She's a pop star. Why do I care?

Ke$ha. Another one. A slutty little twit who used to be a nerd in junior high sing talking to a song that has a really catchy chorus. Why do I care? She's a pop star.



Guess what. Gay men care. They do. Big time.


I have a friend on Facebook who has been on the Gaga train since day one. On January 26th, his Facebook status was: "WOW @ Ke$ha "TiK ToK" breaking Lady Gaga's one week spin record on Top 40 radio this week...what a $lut!!!"



I thought very little of this. He's a diehard Gaga follower and she is his new goddess, therefore anyone who beats her at anything, well, he is simply anti that person. And I get that.


For over a year, I've watched Perez Hilton post Lady Gaga quotes as if they are the word of a really important political figure or perhaps even a demigod. These are posted regardless as to whether or not they are really important. Did Lady Gaga talk about Prop 8? Post it! Oh, shit! She talked about cream cheese on a bagel? Put that on there! Wait! Lady Gaga saw a cat this morning? OMG!


I am just fascinated by her power. Every move she makes is described as "brilliant" and "fabulous" because she is doing it! She could take a dump on a hobo and a gay pride parade would come flying out of her ass. After the fecal matter, of course.

Case in point, my friend on Facebook again...February 26th, he posts a photo of Lady Gaga leaving Zuma in London with a pair of three foot pair of horns on her head. He writes, "LMAO. A 3 foot pair of horns!!! LOVE HER SO MUCH!!!!"

And people comment: "I love her to pieces."

Today...he writes the following: " Ke$ha wears her placenta around her neck for second sight?! WTF"

Well, I think both these bitches are crazy, but hear me out. At least Ke-dollar sign-HA (This is what I prefer to address her.) has a bullshit reason for wearing her placenta. Lady Gaga, however, gave no excuse whatsoever for going out to dinner looking like a well-dressed ram. She just did it. And, I'm sorry, she looked like a maniac. You know for a fact if Lady Gaga decided to wear her placenta, he'd be all about it.

So how is it she can get away with so much and slutty little Ke-dollar sign-HA gets away with so little? Afterall, she probably believes gays and lesbians deserved the right to marry as well. (I don't know that for certain, just projecting.) Also, just like Gaga, she seems to have an inexplicable aversion towards wearing pants.

What is the difference? What fairy dust was sprinkled upon Gaga's head, when did it happen, can I have some, and why won't she share with Ke$ha? I am not attacking, I am simply asking. Because, let's face it, musically at least, Gaga and Ke$ha are more alike than they are different.

I Must Pay Credit

There comes a time in every young woman's life when she is heartbroken by someone who will not return her affections. She cries and asks herself why this happened to her.

Then she sees a picture of that guy on Facebook where he isn't wearing a shirt and she knows the gods and goddesses of love were actually on her side the whole time.

Thanks, Venus, Aphrodite and friends.

I wrote a poem

Hey, I love your vest
I think your black-rimmed glasses are the best
I like when you comb your hair that way
I guess I could be falling in love you'd say

Your oxfords and skinny jeans are cool
I'll bet you were teased in school
I fell head-over-heels in love today
I just need to know if you're hipster or gay