If apes can do sign language...

...then certainly we can solve this looming problem.

Having toilets that flush automatically is an astounding privilege, and you are abusing it. It's as if we take for granted that we have usable hands or some shit. Since the beginning of the automatic toilet's creation, I have seen hundreds, thousands, probably millions of public bowls sullied with yellow-brown water, wads of toilet paper, menstrual blood, you name it. Often times I give the pissers, shitters, and menstruators before me the benefit of the doubt and assume, "That thing must be broken."

There are signs behind most of these toilets next to buttons that read "Press to flush." I always give the button the old college try because I do not care to add my urine to the existing muck so someone else can gaze upon all those natural colors. Nine times out of ten, the waste flushes down to where it needs to be--out of fucking sight. Am I the only person who can read these signs? No. You are just lazy and nasty

People of Earth who use public restrooms, I implore you! You are not kings and queens. I know this because monarchs do not frequent toilets at stadiums and airports. If they did they would probably have an assistant accompany them in order to take care of Royal Flush anyway. (You're welcome.) If the automatic mechanism does not work you should have the damn decency to flush the fucking commode.

Let me put it this way. If you walked up to an automatic door that did not open upon your arrival, would you not shop at that grocery store? Would you just stand there like the little dog from that episode of Two Stupid Dogs I loved so much? No. You'd push. It takes more manpower to push open a door than it does to push the tiny button on these new-fangled toilets that aren't so much a novelty in this day and age as they are an expectation. Button pushing is satisfying as hell! We push buttons repeatedly throughout the day while sitting at computers or communicating via text. We love pushing buttons. Think of it as a game. Think back to when you were potty training and you loved to watch your business spiral into what seemed like an alternate universe. Better yet, think of your fellow man, the person who has to come into the stall behind you. That person could be me, and I do not care to view your fecal matter.

So remember- if you piss or shit in town and the automatic flush don't come 'round, flush it down.