Protect your daughters! Give them braces.

This Invisalign Teen commercial is really gnawing on my nerves. The premise is simple and, according to some ad exec, harmless, possibly even adorable. You have two sisters-twins as a matter of fact-one has braces, the other wears Invisalign.


 First of all, how horrendous. What parents would go so far as to favor one twin over the other by paying an extra $20,000 so the chosen one won't be called "Brace Face" by all her peers? I'm no parent, but I say, "Invisalign for all or for none at all." It's only fair.


Secondly, thank you advertising for teaching our young people, once again, that pretty always wins over personality. As if you can't tell by the photo posted above, the twin who is forced to wear braces, headgear, and abstain from eating popcorn (The Triple Whammy of Sadness, as I like to call it) is, naturally, the one whose hair is separated down the middle and styled in two, low-hanging pigtails. An obvious sign of an inferiority complex for young girls. Thank you, America. And can we talk about the fact that her sister,the twin with the confidence to style her hair in a long, flowing fashion, is documenting the nightly donning of the humiliating headgear as if it were some sort of ceremony? So, if I fork over thousands of dollars for Invisalign, my kid can be an asshole? Is that what you're telling me?


 As a child who was cursed with, for lack of a better term, an almost irreversibly fucked up mouth of teeth, I found this ad incredibly offensive. As an adult woman who still sports the pigtail every now and then, I was appalled. Invisalign encourages parents to buy their product so that their children may exude confidence while going through one of the most uncomfortable, painful, and sometimes disgusting stages of many an adolescence- teeth straightening. As a still-undecided-but-it-isn't-completely-off-the-table future mother of America, this ad solidified for me how I will not raise my possible future daughter and the decision is already set-if she has crooked teeth, she's getting braces. Real ones.


 I think our daughters should be taught confidence, not based on their looks, but on just about everything else. The Invisalign-wearing teen represented in the commercial knows no humility, no kindness toward her twin and, let's face it, is probably one year away from becoming the high school's most popular whore. If I ever have a daughter, I want her in pigtails and braces until she finishes grad school. I want her to care about others, to exude kindness and, when that kindness doesn't work, I want her to sass and kick the hell out of some overly confident teen bitch with a video camera, even if it is her sister. (Though, it won't be. Seriously, no hot bitches living under my roof.) I want her to wear her "dorky" hair and embrace her flaws with so much pride that is scares and intimidates everyone she meets. I want her to be her and real, and I want her to relish life's simply joys- like popcorn for instance. I want her to know that, if careful, that salty snack absolutely can be enjoyed by a kid with braces. Just brush and floss properly afterward.


And always brush your tongue. That's important.