This is not real.

Are you kidding me? Facebook users actually believe that a surgeon sat down with a family and said, "Your son is in need of a heart transplant. The surgery will cost you upwards of one hundred and forty-five thousand dollars. But, hold on! Don't cry, Mrs. Waters. Have I got a deal for you! If you act now and take a sad photo of your child hooked up to life support and post it on Facebook, and if one hundred people share that picture, I'll do the surgery for free. I'm just that nice of a guy. Whadya say?! One hundred shares. That's all I'm asking. That's less than the dollar amount. I really need this to happen. I love Facebook sharing. It's my drug. Make it happen."

Bullshit.

Nice job, caregiver

Her: Yeah, my friend is doing a midnight improv show. And, I'm just wondering if you think that would be an okay place for a kid or not really.
Me: I would say that it isn't.
Her: Why? Because of language.
Me: Possibly. We recommend 17 and up for all shows. With it being an improv show, we really don't know ahead of time what is going to be said. So, yeah, I would say it would be a bad idea to bring a child for that fact.
Her: So, if I bring the kid, will you just not let us in?
Me: How old is the kid?
Her: Seven.


Seven. Never you mind our age minimum being (inexplicably) ten years old, why won't he be in bed at midnight? The little scamp needs a night of 'fucks' and blowjob jokes before being tucked in, I guess. Ahh, to be young...

Details, please.

"Hi. My friend thinks she left her purse there. It's made of fabric...kind of like a bag."
"Okay, could you describe it, please?"
"It was made of fabric. And...the fabric...had a print on it. Also, her wallet is in it."




That's it? Check out this definition of the word "purse."
purse (pûrs)
n.
1. A woman's bag for carrying keys, a wallet, and other personal items; a handbag.
2. A small bag or pouch for carrying money.
3. Something that resembles a bag or pouch.

For starters, I don't understand how you walk out of a theater without your purse but, let's assume for courtesy's sake that she isn't dumb. It was just an oversight- a gigantic oversight. Also, let's imagine she's drunk. Now, this show took place at 7pm last night-17 hours prior to this inquiry to lost and found. Don't you think this is a thing she would notice before 12:30 the next day? "Oh, bumskies, you guys. My bag is like...totes not here." And wouldn't she want to make this phone call rather than having her valley girl-sounding friend do it? (Uh...BTDubs, the valley girl is like sooooooo 80's.)

A note to the friend: Sweetie, I bet you're real pretty, but let's break it down here. First off, I hope you were able to read the definition of "purse" that I so graciously posted for you. Here is a challenge for you that differs from the cumbersome task of walking and breathing at the same time that you seem to struggle with daily. (Fun!) Find a purse that does not meet at least one, if not all, of the following requirements:
1. "Kind of like a bag."
2. Made of fabric and the fabric has print on it.
3. Has a wallet inside.

It will be tough, but I think you can do it. In addition, learning how to describe things utilizing names of colors is a great skill to have in your "kind of like a bag" of tricks.

*Note* The bag depicted here is, in fact, not the missing one, but is it not adorable?

Listen. To. Me.

Caller: What shows do you have for Saturday?
Me: We have the 11pm show.
Caller: Oh, the 11 is all you have?
Me: Right.
Caller: Do you have any earlier shows?
*Hatchet to the face

Caller: I wanted to get tickets for your ETC show on Saturday but the website says you are sold out, so can I get tickets?
Me: No ma'am, because the show is sold out.
Caller: And what Saturday will you have availability at 8pm?
Me: Saturday the 19th is the next upcoming Saturday with availability at 8.
Caller: Do you mean March 19th?
*This call took place today, February 22nd...so...ya know...post February 19th.

Me: Box office.
Caller: Yeah, I need to talk to someone about classes.
Me: Let me give you the number to the training center.
Caller: Well, maybe you can help me. I want to take a stand up class...stand up 101, but I don't have any stage experience. I didn't know if that was a prerequisite for classes or if it would be okay for me to start in the beginning level without it.
Me: Yeah...this is the box office.
*Where's the tequila?

If you open your ears upon asking your first question you will, more than likely, have no further questions.

How the World Works

Man, I didn't even eat eggs this morning and I still have them on my face!


How silly of me to think you, a seemingly capable human being as you are operating a motor vehicle, would understand that my right turn signal means I am going to indeed be turning right. Even dumber that I take it you see that I am now MERGING into this right lane and positioning to turn, therefore you will take that as your cue to NOT try and pass me (illegally, I do believe) by using said right lane as your path.

See, here I am making assumptions about your common sense when all I've done is...well...you know the old adage..."make an ass out of U and me" and you were doing such a fine job making an ass out of your own damn self.

I've learned my lesson and will do better to stay out of your affairs.

Also, when it comes to courtesy...

I think, if you've thrown out something that weighs roughly the same as a bag of 18, human heads, it is only fitting that you take that bag out to the alley and throw it into the garbage yourself, prior to your roommate (who has been accidentally punched in the face and then almost intentionally side swiped by an oncoming vehicle) doesn't have to drag it out all by her lonesome because she is: A) Tired. B) Cranky C) Hot, and I don't mean sexy D)Tiny and E) A goddamn delicate flower this week!!

Great Moments in Human Stupidity, vol. a gazillion

"Yeah, I heard your message saying you're sold out for tonight. Do you have any tickets for groups of 16 or more?"

Wow...