"Conversation" with Dad

Me: Hello?
Dad: Hey!
Me: Hey.
Dad: What are you doin'?
Me: I'm at work.
Dad: Ahhh...well, I was just callin' to tell ya we just got back from havin' Memaw's eye taken out.
Me: What?!
Dad (laughing): She had a cataract. She's doin' real good. Doctor said it couldn't have gone any better.
Me: Well, that's good.
Dad: She's back there recoverin' right now. She'll be able to see now. And see how pretty I am!
Me: Ha!

Dad:Had a good time once that pain medicine kicked in. Yeah, I went out there, and thought it was gonna take a long time. She went in, so I thought I'd go outside, smoke me a cigarette, then I'd come in the waitin' room and watch tv. Hell, I hadn't been outside that long, I come in and she's 'bout finished. She said she walked back there and he was finishin' one up, so he just went ahead and got her done up too. Then we come home and the first thing she yells about is Tylenol. Where's the Tylenol? Jamie and Tiffany went with us, and Jamie's sick. We came over the hill and there comes this car flashing its lights. Mama says, "That car is flashing its lights." So I stop the van and it's Tiffany drivin'..she said, "I just hit a dog!" They asked if we saw a dog back there in the road and I said, "I ain't worried about no dog. I gotta get to the hospital by 7." But we didn't see a dog.

Anyway...we get down there and, Jamie's sick so he keeps coughin' and coverin' his mouth. Finally, Mama said, "Go on into the doctor and see if he can't give you somethin'" so he left. Tiffany left him there! So, Mama comes out of surgery, and Jamie had gotten a shot from the doctor. I said, "You want a ride? We're goin' to the house?" He said "Naw, Tiffany's comin' back." Then Jimmy called her and asked how everything was going and Tiffany said, "It went fine. They gave him a shot in his butt and now he's asleep." Jimmy said, "Ya'll didn't go to the hospital?" She said, "Yeah, we went." And he said "Well how's Mama?" "I don't know."
I had already told her everything went fine.

Then, we come in and Mama goes back there to the bedroom and she asked for some toast and some milk. Jimmy comes up there wantin' to know about makin' the toast and I said, "I ain't believin' as fat as you are, you don't know how to make toast." So, then I went back there and I said, "What do you want for lunch?" And she said, "Jimmy got it." I said, "Well, I can't believe it!" And I think the milk made her sick.

Me: Well, I'm really glad she's okay, but the phones are ringing. I have to get back to work.
Dad: Alright, love ya! Just thought I'd tell ya how the surgery went.