Questions Commonly Heard While You're In Rehearsals For The Show You Wrote

(And the people who ask them)
(And what you say)
(And what you wish you said)


Roommate: Where have you been? ("Where are you going?" would also work here.)
You: Rehearsal.
What your brain wants you to say: Where do you think? You know where I'm going. Same place I've been going every day/night for the past few weeks. Are you being funny? Because, I have to admit, it's breaking my heart seeing you lounge and enjoy cereal and play with the cats. Dammit! Why did I decide to be an artist?

Friend/Acquaintance: How's the show going?
You: It's good, thanks.
What your brain wants you to say: Fine, really. In fact it was going super well because that was the first five minutes I've spent not thinking about the damn thing since I put the words onto paper and now you have, of course, completely blown it. Thanks for bringing it up.
(You don't do this. These are nice people.)


Coworker: You look tired. Are you tired?
You: Yeah, sort of. Any coffee?
What your brain wants you to say: Am I tired? Is that a joke? Look at my face! Yes, I am tired. I could fall asleep on top of you, but I'm afraid you might accuse me of harassment. I am so tired that, inside, I am crying, but my tear ducts can't produce any liquid right now due to extreme exhaustion so everything is coming out in the form of vapor. Stand closer to my eyes and pretend you're chilling in one of the big mister machines at Six Flags. That'll be fun for all.

Someone at the theater where you are performing your masterpiece: Can you get me some photos for a press release?
You: Sure.
What your brain wants you to say: When? Now? Shit. Why didn't I write this thing then find someone much younger and tougher to produce it?

Director: Did you want to go over that bit one more time so it's solid?
You: Absolutely.
What your brain wants you to say: No. No, I don't. Why didn't I just write this then get someone much younger and prettier to perform it?

Director: Are you okay with cutting these few lines here?
You: Of course.
What your brain wants you to say: A few? If we cut most of them, and I just sit on the stage in silence for over half an hour, do you think the show would have the same impact? I'm loving that idea right now.

A Person: You got anything going on right now?
You: Yeah, I'm doing a one woman show at Chemically Imbalanced Comedy theater on Thursday nights starting May 19th.
What your brain wants you to say: Am I doing anything right now? I don't know. Why don't you look at posters-the first show poster to ever have my face on it, by the way- or read your damn emails or Facebook invites? Why the hell are we Facebook friends anyway? Come to my show anyway.

Another actor friend: Come to my show then we'll hang out after.
You: Okay!
What your brain wants you to say: Ha!

You: Does putting in a twelve hour day between work and rehearsals and training for a new job count as my workout, or should I be scrambling to find time for that as well.
You: Of course it does.
What your brain tells you: You little idiot. It doesn't at all. Have you lost me? Yeah, you're working and rehearsing, but you're sitting through most of those activities.
You: Yeah, but...working the brain...that...counts. That burns calories, yeah?
You: Right. Of course it does.
Brain: Fat chance. Pun intended. Tone your tummy.

Please know that I absolutely adore anyone who asks me questions about my life (within reason). This blog post is brought on by pure tiredness.