Questions Commonly Heard While You're In Rehearsals For The Show You Wrote

(And the people who ask them)
(And what you say)
(And what you wish you said)


Roommate: Where have you been? ("Where are you going?" would also work here.)
You: Rehearsal.
What your brain wants you to say: Where do you think? You know where I'm going. Same place I've been going every day/night for the past few weeks. Are you being funny? Because, I have to admit, it's breaking my heart seeing you lounge and enjoy cereal and play with the cats. Dammit! Why did I decide to be an artist?

Friend/Acquaintance: How's the show going?
You: It's good, thanks.
What your brain wants you to say: Fine, really. In fact it was going super well because that was the first five minutes I've spent not thinking about the damn thing since I put the words onto paper and now you have, of course, completely blown it. Thanks for bringing it up.
(You don't do this. These are nice people.)


Coworker: You look tired. Are you tired?
You: Yeah, sort of. Any coffee?
What your brain wants you to say: Am I tired? Is that a joke? Look at my face! Yes, I am tired. I could fall asleep on top of you, but I'm afraid you might accuse me of harassment. I am so tired that, inside, I am crying, but my tear ducts can't produce any liquid right now due to extreme exhaustion so everything is coming out in the form of vapor. Stand closer to my eyes and pretend you're chilling in one of the big mister machines at Six Flags. That'll be fun for all.

Someone at the theater where you are performing your masterpiece: Can you get me some photos for a press release?
You: Sure.
What your brain wants you to say: When? Now? Shit. Why didn't I write this thing then find someone much younger and tougher to produce it?

Director: Did you want to go over that bit one more time so it's solid?
You: Absolutely.
What your brain wants you to say: No. No, I don't. Why didn't I just write this then get someone much younger and prettier to perform it?

Director: Are you okay with cutting these few lines here?
You: Of course.
What your brain wants you to say: A few? If we cut most of them, and I just sit on the stage in silence for over half an hour, do you think the show would have the same impact? I'm loving that idea right now.

A Person: You got anything going on right now?
You: Yeah, I'm doing a one woman show at Chemically Imbalanced Comedy theater on Thursday nights starting May 19th.
What your brain wants you to say: Am I doing anything right now? I don't know. Why don't you look at posters-the first show poster to ever have my face on it, by the way- or read your damn emails or Facebook invites? Why the hell are we Facebook friends anyway? Come to my show anyway.

Another actor friend: Come to my show then we'll hang out after.
You: Okay!
What your brain wants you to say: Ha!

You: Does putting in a twelve hour day between work and rehearsals and training for a new job count as my workout, or should I be scrambling to find time for that as well.
You: Of course it does.
What your brain tells you: You little idiot. It doesn't at all. Have you lost me? Yeah, you're working and rehearsing, but you're sitting through most of those activities.
You: Yeah, but...working the brain...that...counts. That burns calories, yeah?
You: Right. Of course it does.
Brain: Fat chance. Pun intended. Tone your tummy.

Please know that I absolutely adore anyone who asks me questions about my life (within reason). This blog post is brought on by pure tiredness.

This isn't really about her. Calm down.

Insanity.

Defined as "a relatively permanent disorder of the mind."

You're reaching it. Why? Here's a check off list of everything you've got to do for the next two weeks? Why a check off list? Because they're fun to type. Stop judging. Why are you reading this anyway if you don't like it? It's for your own good.

June 29
*Work from 9-4
*Sit at home, and search for some sort of cheap/inexpensive dinner between hours of 4:30 and 6, because pay day isn't until tomorrow.
*6pm...start getting ready for rehearsal.
*6:30pm leave for rehearsal
*7pm be at rehearsal and fight people until 10pm
*10:30pm watch "Skins." Yes, it is important. Fuck you, anyway!
*11pm Try and sleep. Luckily it's not hot and humid in the apartment this week, because holy balls!

June 30
*7am wake up
*Work 9-4 (Did I mention work was on the phone for seven straight hours talking to legitimate monsters? Not cool monsters like from Frankenstein or something like that, but scary, terrible human beings who are mean, shallow, and demanding of your time.)
*For the afternoon of June 30, please SEE ABOVE (i.e. June 29, because it is the same)
*10pm-til ? - photos for show
* Such and such o'clock- Go to bed and not sleep well, because you didn't watch "Skins."

(Please keep in mind you are not watching "So You Think You Can Dance" this season due to scheduling conflicts and who knows what you'll do when "Weeds" comes back! Also, this blog entry keeps getting interrupted by phone calls by the monsters, and not Lady Gaga's monsters either. But, Allie Debard's friends who lack the mental capacity it takes to order their tickets properly, sending me into a spiteful rage.)

July 1
*wake up at 8, though the cat probably got you up at 5. Thanks for nothing, cat.
*work from 10-4 dealing with those monsters again. Meanwhile, Allie Debard's friends' show doesn't happen until July 9, so they'll probably still be calling.
*4-6pm eat and write a rent check that kills your spirit and say to yourself and the person at the McDonald's drive thru window,
"I'd go shopping for something healthy if I had the time. Seeing as heart disease runs in my family, that should be the only thing I'm doing. But, alas, other people go to the grocery as well, and when other people are there, it takes forever. Factor in traffic, plus the jacked up pricing and it's an overall stressful trip. Number three with a Coke, please. Non diet."

July 2
*wake up at 8 again, but the cat's still bitching, so you know the drill
*Work from 10-4 and cry over my sad bank account
*Fight the urge to spend $40 on margaritas and Mexican food to wash away the Allie Debard and Co.
*Get wasted

July 3
*Be hung over, but get up because the sun is out, it's July 3rd and your body still has no idea what a tan is, let alone how to acheive one while indoors.
* Get wasted.
*Eat

July 4
*Celebrate independence by eating, drinking, sitting outside and maybe watching a movie

July 5
This is a week from hell, so I hope you're ready:

*Work 9-4
*rehearsal 7-til ?

July 6
Same as the 5th

July 7
Same as the 5th and 6th

July 8
Should probably consider doing laundry after your 10am appointment
Then rehearsal til who knows when
You'd better hope you get to watch "Skins"
Also, you have a preview performance, not a rehearsal. So scratch that one part, but still...you're at the theater til close to 10pm.

July 9
Work 9-4
Preview performance
Think about Allie Debard and consider going to work just to throw rocks at her and her idiotic friends.

July 10
Try and do nothing til you have to be at the theater. Realize that probably won't work. You will also, most likely, have an improv show after your preview show which means you will be awake until 2am, but you don't have to work on the 11th. Or do you? You can't remember. You should probably have wine now.


July 11
Get lost in your own home and piss yourself on the way to the bathroom.


July 12
Show has previewed so all you have is work. Oh...and then a rehearsal. You forgot about rehearsal.


July 13
Work. Again. 9-4. No more Allie Debard though, right?

July 14
Go to your 8:45am appt.
Punch someone, because you need it.
Pick up rehearsal. Yes? No? You don't know.
Also, you have to find some time to do a voice over. It's needed.
"Skins"? It is your day off, right? Most likely not. Not even on your day off. Or is it a day off? Because you've got that second job you nearly forgot about. Rats. Ass.

July 15
Cry when you hear the work "tickets"
Also, you're working 9-4

July 16
The show opens, it finally opens. You're working before that happens though. Then, you're getting drunk.

July 17
Wait. Are you working today? Don't know. You might be puking though, or perhaps crafting a weapon out of yarn and construction paper.
*3pm=Target practice, scratch that! DRUNKEN target practice
*8pm show, which means you'd better have been at the theater an hour ago.

July 18
Work from 11-4.
Also, there's a troll at work and it is scary.
And those damned monsters.
*7pm show, call time was 6. I hope you weren't late.
*9pm go home. Cry. Write about it. Remember that July is nearly over now and you've yet to save money for moving expenses. Curse your minimal income. Kick someone in the guts.
*Piss. Go to bed.
*Wake up at 3am. Forget where you live.



Emma Watson's check off list was brought to you by Casey Pilkenton and a lack of sleep. And that Corona she has.