No contest!

E! Thanks for all that you do, truly. I love you. You keep me going, really. I say all of that to you now, because I am about to get a little rude. No. Scratch that! Real. I'm getting real with you, E! Why? Because your content, other than Joel McHale's beautiful face on The Soup, is shit.

What ever could I be talking about, Reader? This...


The folks over at E! decided to have a competition to see who our favorite franchise leading lady is and our choices are Bella Swan from Twilight or Hermione Granger from Harry Potter.

I know. You can pretty much stop reading now, because you know who I'd choose. How about, though, for giggles and shits, I tell you why? Yes? Great!

Here is what makes Bella Swan suck: She is pining away over a schmuck who would much rather eat her than anything else, but making out is as close as he can get, because he comes from a family of strict vegetarians...or vampires who won't suck human blood. Outstanding! Also, this dude leaves her so she cries, hallucinates, and fucks up the heart of her faithful werewolf friend. Bella has no best friend to speak of, no real personality (unless she's attached to her stone cold, glittery boyfriend) and I don't think she has any hobbies, either, unless wishing to have sex with someone who will literally bite into your flesh is a hobby. Then the answer is, yes, she does in fact have things to do in her spare time.

So, who is Hermione Granger? Um. A fucking bad ass, that's who! She's smart and it's been proven repeatedly. She's knows how to do magic. She's snarky. And her boyfriend is a lovable dolt of a character, but sweet. Sure, it took a while for her to land her man, but she didn't wallow in the process. Nope. She kicked ass. She kicked it hard, she kicked it good. And, when Ron starting being a dick, she straight up conjured some birds and sent them charging towards that asshole's head so fast he couldn't even see straight. That's ballsy and awesome. Hermione will not sit in front of her front room window and watch the seasons change while she cries. She will read a book or something, at least!

Let's not even get into the territory of comparing the two actresses. On second though, let's! Emma Watson-- seems intelligent and clever, fashionable, yet still somewhat rough and tumble. She's not the best actress in the world, but I've seen much worse, and her name is Kristen Stewart. Oh, K-Stew! Stoned much? Awkward much? What's up with your clothes? Terrible. Are you as confused as the rest of the world by the fact that you're a paid actress? Because you look like it...constantly.

Hermione Granger is the woman we all want to be, though, more often than not, we end up being Bella Swan. It's days like these that we need to cut ourselves and drink heavily. Believe me, the hangover will make you smarter. No pain, no gain, right bitches?

So, E! it's no contest. The true winner of this, is Hermione Granger. Hands down. The end.

This isn't really about her. Calm down.

Insanity.

Defined as "a relatively permanent disorder of the mind."

You're reaching it. Why? Here's a check off list of everything you've got to do for the next two weeks? Why a check off list? Because they're fun to type. Stop judging. Why are you reading this anyway if you don't like it? It's for your own good.

June 29
*Work from 9-4
*Sit at home, and search for some sort of cheap/inexpensive dinner between hours of 4:30 and 6, because pay day isn't until tomorrow.
*6pm...start getting ready for rehearsal.
*6:30pm leave for rehearsal
*7pm be at rehearsal and fight people until 10pm
*10:30pm watch "Skins." Yes, it is important. Fuck you, anyway!
*11pm Try and sleep. Luckily it's not hot and humid in the apartment this week, because holy balls!

June 30
*7am wake up
*Work 9-4 (Did I mention work was on the phone for seven straight hours talking to legitimate monsters? Not cool monsters like from Frankenstein or something like that, but scary, terrible human beings who are mean, shallow, and demanding of your time.)
*For the afternoon of June 30, please SEE ABOVE (i.e. June 29, because it is the same)
*10pm-til ? - photos for show
* Such and such o'clock- Go to bed and not sleep well, because you didn't watch "Skins."

(Please keep in mind you are not watching "So You Think You Can Dance" this season due to scheduling conflicts and who knows what you'll do when "Weeds" comes back! Also, this blog entry keeps getting interrupted by phone calls by the monsters, and not Lady Gaga's monsters either. But, Allie Debard's friends who lack the mental capacity it takes to order their tickets properly, sending me into a spiteful rage.)

July 1
*wake up at 8, though the cat probably got you up at 5. Thanks for nothing, cat.
*work from 10-4 dealing with those monsters again. Meanwhile, Allie Debard's friends' show doesn't happen until July 9, so they'll probably still be calling.
*4-6pm eat and write a rent check that kills your spirit and say to yourself and the person at the McDonald's drive thru window,
"I'd go shopping for something healthy if I had the time. Seeing as heart disease runs in my family, that should be the only thing I'm doing. But, alas, other people go to the grocery as well, and when other people are there, it takes forever. Factor in traffic, plus the jacked up pricing and it's an overall stressful trip. Number three with a Coke, please. Non diet."

July 2
*wake up at 8 again, but the cat's still bitching, so you know the drill
*Work from 10-4 and cry over my sad bank account
*Fight the urge to spend $40 on margaritas and Mexican food to wash away the Allie Debard and Co.
*Get wasted

July 3
*Be hung over, but get up because the sun is out, it's July 3rd and your body still has no idea what a tan is, let alone how to acheive one while indoors.
* Get wasted.
*Eat

July 4
*Celebrate independence by eating, drinking, sitting outside and maybe watching a movie

July 5
This is a week from hell, so I hope you're ready:

*Work 9-4
*rehearsal 7-til ?

July 6
Same as the 5th

July 7
Same as the 5th and 6th

July 8
Should probably consider doing laundry after your 10am appointment
Then rehearsal til who knows when
You'd better hope you get to watch "Skins"
Also, you have a preview performance, not a rehearsal. So scratch that one part, but still...you're at the theater til close to 10pm.

July 9
Work 9-4
Preview performance
Think about Allie Debard and consider going to work just to throw rocks at her and her idiotic friends.

July 10
Try and do nothing til you have to be at the theater. Realize that probably won't work. You will also, most likely, have an improv show after your preview show which means you will be awake until 2am, but you don't have to work on the 11th. Or do you? You can't remember. You should probably have wine now.


July 11
Get lost in your own home and piss yourself on the way to the bathroom.


July 12
Show has previewed so all you have is work. Oh...and then a rehearsal. You forgot about rehearsal.


July 13
Work. Again. 9-4. No more Allie Debard though, right?

July 14
Go to your 8:45am appt.
Punch someone, because you need it.
Pick up rehearsal. Yes? No? You don't know.
Also, you have to find some time to do a voice over. It's needed.
"Skins"? It is your day off, right? Most likely not. Not even on your day off. Or is it a day off? Because you've got that second job you nearly forgot about. Rats. Ass.

July 15
Cry when you hear the work "tickets"
Also, you're working 9-4

July 16
The show opens, it finally opens. You're working before that happens though. Then, you're getting drunk.

July 17
Wait. Are you working today? Don't know. You might be puking though, or perhaps crafting a weapon out of yarn and construction paper.
*3pm=Target practice, scratch that! DRUNKEN target practice
*8pm show, which means you'd better have been at the theater an hour ago.

July 18
Work from 11-4.
Also, there's a troll at work and it is scary.
And those damned monsters.
*7pm show, call time was 6. I hope you weren't late.
*9pm go home. Cry. Write about it. Remember that July is nearly over now and you've yet to save money for moving expenses. Curse your minimal income. Kick someone in the guts.
*Piss. Go to bed.
*Wake up at 3am. Forget where you live.



Emma Watson's check off list was brought to you by Casey Pilkenton and a lack of sleep. And that Corona she has.