Cut out these bad habits

Here is a list of common "jokes" that we should probably all stop using:

Person 1 (who is also pregnant): I am so tired.
Person 2: Oh! Well! Just you wait 'til that little one gets here!

The saying, "It's funny because it's true," does not mean if something is true then it must also be funny. No one has ever chortled over the idea of an infant keeping them awake all hours of the night. Basking in someone's misery is really not becoming of any human being, unless the miserable person is also an incredible asshole.


Person 1: The bar is open.
Person 2: OH! a-haha! Oh, well! Thank goodness for that! Haha! That's all we care about! The important things!

Alcoholism is only funny when served with a shot of indifference. Examples:
Finding me with an up-turned bottle of wine attached to my face- funny.
My calling it out, then laughing about it- sad. It also turns me into that kid in middle school who tried cigarettes for the first time, then made certain to smoke in front of all the other students while shouting, "Oh, man! This is like, my hundredth cigarette today! Wow. Emphysema, here I come!"

Person 1: My fiance and I haven't had sex in over a week.
Person 2: Ha! Wait until you guys are married. Then you'll really miss sex.

I shouldn't have to explain to you why I don't find the idea of loveless, passionless marriages amusing. Legalize gay marriage and this may become less of an issue.

Person 1 (Who is also a kid): I don't want to go to school.
Person 2: You grow up and get a job! Then you'll beg to go back to school!

This is not entirely true. I work. I've thought about going back to school. The idea of it terrifies, bewilders, and sickens me. I don't like working either, so get off your high horse, adults! You know damn good and well that you can empathize with this school-hating child. No matter the form of compensation-monetary gains or letter grades-sitting inside all day sucks a sack of balls.

Person 1 (upon hearing a fussy child): Well. Sounds like someone's unhappy.

Right. Because your little quip just made all of us standing in line at Barnes and Noble a bit more tolerant of this disagreeable and obnoxious baby. Thank you, for that.

Person 1: I thought I'd lost my cell phone, but then I found it in between the couch cushions.
Person 2: Ha! Yeah. Well, it's always in the last place you look.

Just stop.

*Rest assured, friends. This entry has "reoccurring series" written all over it. Spending one day reading Facebook comments is evidence enough of that.*