Thank you, Etsy gods! Thank you.

Just when I thought I'd gotten everything I ever wanted from the jewelry world- gold, bronze, silver, copper, antique, mod-looking plastic, long necklaces, short necklaces, recycled metal ring from Honduras, some beautiful shit that belonged to Memaw and Nanny- I come across something on Etsy that makes my heart skip a beat. I think, "Arrhythmia? No. Just the sight of some hairy balls."


That's right, ladies! For just twenty-eight bones, you can wrap your dainty little hands around these balls made of wooly yarn. Seven balls at that! It's like a necklace version of a fivesome...except the fifth guy has only one nut. In other words, it's every hetero girl's fantasy.


Don't youwant to wear testicular jewelry?

What it is, What it isn't

Love is not a prepackaged notion, a candy heart, a card, or a dozen roses
Love is not hasty in its arrival, but rather comes precisely when it is meant to
Love can be incongruent with your life, but will find a way to match you
Love will make you popcorn when you are too lazy to move from the sofa, and not complain
Love will surprise you, shock you, bewilder you
Love will listen to you while you're crazy and not expect you to apologize
Love is not like some bottomless pit into which one falls forever, as a poet would have you believe, but rather something like a second skin that moves and changes along with you
Love is a dork
Love is fucking scary, but only because you have anxiety
Love almost always has ice cream in the freezer
Love knows when you need wine
Love will find a way to keep your neck warm
Love will just sit with you and watch movies, even if it wasn't necessarily what you wanted to do, because that is what you need
Love is complicatedly simple, not designated to a specific date, time, or moment
Love is something you can undoubtedly live without, because it does nothing for you that you have not been able to do yourself, but you want it there
Therein lies the beauty of the gross thing

Give us news, not bullshit

Well, now you've done it, Today Show.


If you aren't spending the morning telling me what I shouldn't eat, you're telling me what I should be eating only to turn around a year later and tell me that very "healthy" thing I'd been working into my diet is now giving me every type of cancer known to man. In fact, it may have even invented two new forms of cancer in order to attack my body. Great. Your health segments! How they never cease to annoy me.

This lovely and frigid morning, I awoke to the dulcet tones of the "Eat This, Not That" guy. You know him. He wrote a set of books filled with sage advice such as: eat apples instead of ten packs of Oreos or some shit. He was chatting all about restaurant freebies and how that "little bread basket" on the table might be killing your diet. Since we are all so stupid that the Today Show took it upon themselves to give us this tidbit of info, let me dumb down my response to this: Uh...duh squared, buddy.

So what were these little restaurant freebies being ripped apart for their fat and sodium content? Really, [insert sarcasm here] shocking and surprising items like Red Lobster's delicious cheese biscuits, some Ruby Tuesday's-esque establishment's fantastical Bottomless French Fries, and Endless Pancakes from Denny's. Wow. Really? The only selections that could have possibly, maybe shocked viewers were the chips and salsa and soup and bread sticks from Olive Garden, but even that's a stretch. Why? Because this is America and, as a general rule, dining out in our country is just not healthy.

Today Show, I mean this with all due respect, please shut up. These segments are bogus and as filling as a basket full of free bread. No one watching this is learning a damn thing, because your audience is not comprised of five-year-old children. Adults are watching, and any grown ass person who thinks they'll be going to Denny's for a healthy meal needs to be slapped. They also need their citizenship and right to vote taken away, because their idiocy makes their ability to function in modern society a bit questionable. It isn't the knowledge of caloric content that we need as a country. We have the understanding. What we need is to care. And we don't. We don't care about fighting with one another, we don't care about killing one another, we don't care that we regularly discriminate against our own citizens because of their love interests, their color, or their religion. And we certainly don't care that we have made ourselves physically unhealthy by eating copious amounts of delicious, buttery, fluffy pancakes.

Find a missing child, please.

Half of the conversation 1/4/11

Things I heard my coworkers say into the phone:

Betsy: We don't have anything to do with Movie Tickets. com, so I don't think that's us...Yes...Oh, yes, that is a movie. . . Yes, that's got Vince Vaughn in it, so I didn't sell you that.

Danny: That's C...No. C as in cat. . . C, like in cat?...Um, meow-meow...No, meow, as in a cat...(Then he just started impersonating a cat.)

Yeah, it's been a while...

It's a jolly holiday, isn't it?

Caller: I was listening to the message about tonight's shows and I want you to know I'd like to see that Spoiler Alert show.

Me: Unfortunately, though, as the message said, we are sold out this evening.

Caller: Oh. Well, I was looking at the online thing and thought about buying tickets but I only need one ticket.

Me: Okay, but sadly we are sold out for the shows tonight.

Caller: But do you do any last minute rush tickets?

Me: No, we don't. There are no tickets available for tonight's shows.

Caller: Oh, so it really means sold out.

Me: Yes. As sold out show means the show is sold out.

Caller: So, like, but could I just get one ticket online or how can I do that?

Me: You can purchase up to ten tickets online.

Caller: So I could get one?

Me: You could just get one, yes. Or you could get more than one. But you can't get more than ten.

Caller: So I can do that for tonight?

Me: Not tonight, no, because we're sold out.

Caller: Oh! Well what about any other show?

Me: There are no shows tonight with ticket availability as per the message at the beginning of the call.

Caller: What about on other stages?

Me: All shows, all times, all stages are completely sold out tonight at the Second City.

Caller: Oh, so there are no tickets for tonight. How much are tickets?


And then I shot myself.

Dialogue from an actual Hallmark movie

Him: That little girl keeps coming into Santa's workshop, but she doesn't ever say anything. It bugs me!

Her: It bugs you because she's sad.

Him: It bugs me, because she doesn't ever talk to Santa.

Her: It bugs you, because she needs help and you can't help her. You're a kind man.

Him: I am not!

Her: That's not what everyone else says.

Him: What are you talking about?!

Stupidity.

"If I buy tickets to a show, do I have to pick the night, or can I just buy them and come whenever my friends come?"

Also...

"I'm calling to see if the $3 phone fee is for every ticket or all the tickets."

Thank you.