Me: You could go to Dinotto.
Old Woman: And what is that?
Me: Italian.
Old Woman: What did you say it was called?
Me: Dinotto.
Old Woman: Spell it!
Me: D-I-N-O-T-T-O
Old Woman: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh...Dinose toes!!! Say it again!
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
See? That's not my problem.
Me: And could I get your credit card number, please?
Douche: Mmkay. You're gonna have to bear with me, alright? I'm driving 60 miles and hour down the road with my knee!
Sir, you've made me an accessory to something in which I never wanted to be involved in the first place. And your tone of voice makes me think that, somehow, I'm inconveniencing you. It isn't as if I called you up on your cell and interrupted your drive to see if you might be interested in "lemme get 11...NAH! Better make it 15. That doesn't make that much of a difference!" tickets for your employees on Thursday night. I was sitting here minding my own business, probably knitting, and you chose to call my place of work to make an over-the-phone order while operating a motor vehicle. The fact that you are endangering lives is not my problem, but yours. Quite frankly--you wreck your expensive car, I'll still be alive, and that's a fact. Suck on it a little.
Me: And could I just get the 4-digit code above your credit card number on the front of the card?
Douche: Jesus Christ!
Okay, no. That's a big no, sir. Again, let me remind you who began this transaction. If you are stressed it is your own damn fault. Also, why are you stressed? You just gave me your credit card number. I've asked four additional numbers that are right the fuck there on the front of your card! Please. Remain. Calm.
I'm calling Oprah about this.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Like a crazed man talking
Perhaps it was my aversion to standing in slow-moving lines that made me wait so long, but I have been living in Chicago for over three years, and it has taken me this long to get a library card. I have tried more than once and left every single one of those times. I just couldn't handle it. Today, I waited it out...impatiently. Aren't you glad that I did, dear reader?
Standing not ten feet from me was the front of the, as the Brits say, "queue", and I was no closer to that promise land than I had be when I stepped foot in the front doors some ten minutes prior. Behind the counter there was one woman doing her best to assist everyone and another doing who knows what. On, what I like to call the "customer side of the counter", was a tall, middle-aged gentleman with a buzz cut. Aside from his choice in hairstyle, he seemed fairly normal and I assumed, by where he was standing and the fact that the woman behind the counter was currently assisting a man and his children, that he was simply waiting for someone to bring him a reserved book or some paperwork. I quickly deduced by listening to him that this was not the case.
Buzz Cut turned towards the man who was being assisted at the time and said, "Your kids love to learn. That's good."
I rolled my eyes. It just sounded so fake. Plus, how does this dude know these little kids are intent on learning? They may have been forced into the library by their father and this could cause them great emotional distress in the future--a fear of books, perhaps. This did not occur to Buzz Cut. He talked, and he talked, and he talked until I thought I would kill him. I would just push all of these people out of the way and jab my car key into his temple.
The man with the children had a long ponytail and, at one point, Buzz Cut asked, "How long did it take you to grow your hair that long? Does it take awhile? I once tried to grow mine out, and it got about a foot long and that was all I could handle. "
I am not certain if this man really responded to the line of questioning about his tress. He eventually walked away. The next customer needed assistance with an item she had on reserve, but there were so many reserved items behind the desk she asked the librarian to simply, "Not worry about it," and she would come back at a less busy time. (Is there one? When is that? I want to be here then, as opposed to now.)
"Are you sure," the woman asked.
"Of course she's sure. She's understanding," commented Buzz Cut.
The girl left without her reserved item. Buzz Cut ranted.
"You know, you can find nice people if you just look for them, you really can. And, you know, this is a thing I always ask women, and I mean no disrespect by this, but... where are the men? You know? Where are all the men."
Another customer. Then the librarian's son walked in and they exchanged your typical mother and 12 year-old son words, some of them not kind.
"How old is your son?" asked Buzz.
"He's twelve."
"Twelve going on 30? He likes to act older than you are. Hey, son, you know, you remind me of my nephew. You know that? Did you know you remind me of my nephew?"
"No."
"That's not a compliment. It's not a good thing. You respect your mother."
I was starting to think I really didn't want to stand next to this man. What things would he say to me?
"Oh, I need that jacket!," he said to a woman in a fur coat. Then, it was my turn.
I kept trying to make eye contact with the woman to see if she too thought Buzz was crazy. If this was a normal, Friday afternoon exchange I'd like to know. You know... so I could come back with some sort of recording device, because this is one loopy, talkative mother fucker. This lady was all business.
"I just need to get a library card," I said. In my head, though, I screamed "Please don't say anything to me! I don't know how I'll react!"
"You already have a card, don't you?, " she said.
"No, I don't."
"Really? Never? You just must have one of those faces."
"I've heard..."
"Yeah! She does! She's got one of those faces and you know something else? She's honest!" As if Buzz Cut has encounter much library fraud in the past. This whole situation was weird as shit.
The woman behind the counter started typing my info into the computer as Buzz delivered his dissertation about people and society. The rambling continued, and I tuned most of it out until he landed on the subject of his wife.
"I know you feel bad about your son, and he shouldn't talk to you like that. I know that my wife, she was with a man who just got her pregnant and then he just left the child for dead!"
I couldn't help but think at this point, "I'm sure you've left a couple steps out of that story, Buddy!" but I refrained from saying anything.
"You know? And now I have to be his father, and I don't want to be his father. I sure don't. But what can I do, you know? What can I do? I mean, this man just threw her in the garbage."
It was the first thing he said that struck any sort of chord with her at all. For the past twenty minutes, the woman had only uttered "yeah" or "uh huh." Her coworker started to chuckled, her back turned to the man and the woman, as sassy as she could be said,
"I ain't been thrown in the trash, now. Let's just make that clear, alright? I throw you in the trash! I don't get thrown in that trash! You got that?"
At this point, I had my new library card and was free to go. And I was a little sad, as well. That trip to the library was just beautiful character study. I'll be returning... for books even!
Standing not ten feet from me was the front of the, as the Brits say, "queue", and I was no closer to that promise land than I had be when I stepped foot in the front doors some ten minutes prior. Behind the counter there was one woman doing her best to assist everyone and another doing who knows what. On, what I like to call the "customer side of the counter", was a tall, middle-aged gentleman with a buzz cut. Aside from his choice in hairstyle, he seemed fairly normal and I assumed, by where he was standing and the fact that the woman behind the counter was currently assisting a man and his children, that he was simply waiting for someone to bring him a reserved book or some paperwork. I quickly deduced by listening to him that this was not the case.
Buzz Cut turned towards the man who was being assisted at the time and said, "Your kids love to learn. That's good."
I rolled my eyes. It just sounded so fake. Plus, how does this dude know these little kids are intent on learning? They may have been forced into the library by their father and this could cause them great emotional distress in the future--a fear of books, perhaps. This did not occur to Buzz Cut. He talked, and he talked, and he talked until I thought I would kill him. I would just push all of these people out of the way and jab my car key into his temple.
The man with the children had a long ponytail and, at one point, Buzz Cut asked, "How long did it take you to grow your hair that long? Does it take awhile? I once tried to grow mine out, and it got about a foot long and that was all I could handle. "
I am not certain if this man really responded to the line of questioning about his tress. He eventually walked away. The next customer needed assistance with an item she had on reserve, but there were so many reserved items behind the desk she asked the librarian to simply, "Not worry about it," and she would come back at a less busy time. (Is there one? When is that? I want to be here then, as opposed to now.)
"Are you sure," the woman asked.
"Of course she's sure. She's understanding," commented Buzz Cut.
The girl left without her reserved item. Buzz Cut ranted.
"You know, you can find nice people if you just look for them, you really can. And, you know, this is a thing I always ask women, and I mean no disrespect by this, but... where are the men? You know? Where are all the men."
Another customer. Then the librarian's son walked in and they exchanged your typical mother and 12 year-old son words, some of them not kind.
"How old is your son?" asked Buzz.
"He's twelve."
"Twelve going on 30? He likes to act older than you are. Hey, son, you know, you remind me of my nephew. You know that? Did you know you remind me of my nephew?"
"No."
"That's not a compliment. It's not a good thing. You respect your mother."
I was starting to think I really didn't want to stand next to this man. What things would he say to me?
"Oh, I need that jacket!," he said to a woman in a fur coat. Then, it was my turn.
I kept trying to make eye contact with the woman to see if she too thought Buzz was crazy. If this was a normal, Friday afternoon exchange I'd like to know. You know... so I could come back with some sort of recording device, because this is one loopy, talkative mother fucker. This lady was all business.
"I just need to get a library card," I said. In my head, though, I screamed "Please don't say anything to me! I don't know how I'll react!"
"You already have a card, don't you?, " she said.
"No, I don't."
"Really? Never? You just must have one of those faces."
"I've heard..."
"Yeah! She does! She's got one of those faces and you know something else? She's honest!" As if Buzz Cut has encounter much library fraud in the past. This whole situation was weird as shit.
The woman behind the counter started typing my info into the computer as Buzz delivered his dissertation about people and society. The rambling continued, and I tuned most of it out until he landed on the subject of his wife.
"I know you feel bad about your son, and he shouldn't talk to you like that. I know that my wife, she was with a man who just got her pregnant and then he just left the child for dead!"
I couldn't help but think at this point, "I'm sure you've left a couple steps out of that story, Buddy!" but I refrained from saying anything.
"You know? And now I have to be his father, and I don't want to be his father. I sure don't. But what can I do, you know? What can I do? I mean, this man just threw her in the garbage."
It was the first thing he said that struck any sort of chord with her at all. For the past twenty minutes, the woman had only uttered "yeah" or "uh huh." Her coworker started to chuckled, her back turned to the man and the woman, as sassy as she could be said,
"I ain't been thrown in the trash, now. Let's just make that clear, alright? I throw you in the trash! I don't get thrown in that trash! You got that?"
At this point, I had my new library card and was free to go. And I was a little sad, as well. That trip to the library was just beautiful character study. I'll be returning... for books even!
Thursday, November 4, 2010
BFFs, hard at work.
We started out like this:
Now we both have big girl jobs of great importance and we look like this:
Our friendship is mostly conducted during the work day over Gchat and it goes like this:
me: Si, but I'm 'bout ta go ta Walgreen's
Emily: that's like spanghetto
Sent at 12:26 PM on Thursday
Emily: so i am curious about this Braca testing or whatver it is called have you seen it... the blood work that shows your chances of ovarian or breast cancer.
me: Oh, yeah
Emily: i've got both running from both sides and i just know it's coming
but i mean what would you do if this blood work is like 100 percent?
just go ahead and take everythig out??
but what if that's how i'm supposed to go and i end up final destination-ing myself up??
me: hahaha
Emily: i don't think we are supposed to know that type of thing.
me: Yeah we probably aren't.
I mean.. what do you do but wait for it to strike at that point?
Emily: exactly
me: Every time you have one little pain or weird feeling, you're going to be at the doctor and the conspiracy theorist in me says taht's all it's for.
Because doctors really need money, Emily. They simply don't have enough yachts.
Emily: and i don't think insurance will just pay for me to get new boobs becuase my current ones are faulty.
Sent at 12:38 PM on Thursday
Emily: so when people talk about stuffing it kinds grosses me out i don't want to eat something that cooked inside the bird and it all mushy
Sent at 12:39 PM on Thursday
Emily: you know what we don't need... a jersey wedding show. vh1. we don't need it
me: Oh, Christ. No.
Sent at 12:54 PM on Thursday
me: Emily. Is Brad Pitt really THAT good looking?
Emily: i don't think he is the end all be all, but he ain't ugly.
me: Right.
Emily: he is no jon hamm.
Sent at 12:57 PM on Thursday
me: I just sold a gift certificate to a stylish and wonderful gay man
Emily: sounds a lot better than the angry gay man russell who just yelled at me because i told him his church bells ringtone was annoying.
then i stole a tootsie pop.
burn.
[BLANK] has got to be the most boring person on the face of facebook.
me: You just burned that gay man AND [BLANK].
Sent at 1:11 PM on Thursday
me: HA! Lina is going to Ikea with one of the girls from the theater and I told her to text me pictures as if she's going on a vacation somewhere.
Emily: exciting stuff you never know what you'll see though
me: It's true!
Sent at 1:17 PM on Thursday
Emily: [sends a link for a product--a ginger lollipop that eases morning sickness for pregnant women]
me: If I just have a hangover will they work for me?
Emily: maaayyybe.
i wonder what a ginger lollipop tastes like
gross in my head.
but i do like gingerale
Sent at 1:23 PM on Thursday
Emily: oh well everytime i do something mariah carey decides she needs to do it too
me: Name 12 instances in which this occured
Emily: 1. the time i wanted to make a movie and call it sparkle... she did glitter....
Emily: ok i can't keep on
me: hahahahhaha
That's all you've got. You are WEAK!
Sent at 1:42 PM on Thursday
me: Damn he was cute!
And so charmin
HAHAHHAHAHA
me: He was a toilet paper
Sent at 1:44 PM on Thursday
Emily: ok so in the past few minutes i've gotten invites to go seen hanson and nkotb. separately.
heavily considering hanson.
me: That's awesome
Sent at 2:14pm on Thursday
Emily: all i see is her one pic
me: ball ass
Emily: taint
that a bitch
Sent at 2:32 PM on Thursday
Emily: hey know what i can't stand on facebook....
but when people get a lot of pictures from something recent and change thier profile every hour to a new one
Sent at 2:39 PM on Thursday
Emily: ...she is 36 years old
and she thinks vitamins make you fat.
and she won't leave her house without her husbnad
me: I know. That's why I said this to you
This chick just called here b/c she had a ticket but she meant to buy for Toronto. I ask for her name and she just says "Susie"
Really?!
Emily: why does she take a pic of sarah jessica parker to the salon and think her asian hair will do it, then get mad when it looks exactly the same as before
me: You think I can seach the MILLIONS of orders we have if you just give me "susie"?
Sent at 2:44pm on Thursday
Emily: weny's dad won't let her get an american passport or take her husband's last name.
her last name is currently tanuwidjaja, it could be lam.
me: wow.
Emily: i can only pronounce one of them
i said weny you live in a whole other country. you can do what you want
no no no no no
if i see that mcrib commerercial one more time i'm going to kick ronald mcdonald in the balls
so gross.
me: I know!
Sent at 2:56 PM on Thursday
Emily: hoda+kathielee+mchale=giggles.
me: I like math a lot
Emily: i cna't wait til i get old and can act like kathie lee and people are just like oh she's old and drunk
me: I know!!! Emily, it's my dream
me: I already drink my body's worth of water in wine
(That was a good sentence)
Emily: that is some math
me: I think I have to blog about our chat today. We've had some moments.
I don't know if I should leave out the racism though.
Emily: eeeehhh maybe
we don't mean it for real mean, but other people don't know that
me: do you have that pic of me and you sitting on the counter in your mom's kitchen from 1997 saved on your computer?
Emily: looking..... while listening to tootsie roll
Now we both have big girl jobs of great importance and we look like this:
Our friendship is mostly conducted during the work day over Gchat and it goes like this:
me: Si, but I'm 'bout ta go ta Walgreen's
Emily: that's like spanghetto
Sent at 12:26 PM on Thursday
Emily: so i am curious about this Braca testing or whatver it is called have you seen it... the blood work that shows your chances of ovarian or breast cancer.
me: Oh, yeah
Emily: i've got both running from both sides and i just know it's coming
but i mean what would you do if this blood work is like 100 percent?
just go ahead and take everythig out??
but what if that's how i'm supposed to go and i end up final destination-ing myself up??
me: hahaha
Emily: i don't think we are supposed to know that type of thing.
me: Yeah we probably aren't.
I mean.. what do you do but wait for it to strike at that point?
Emily: exactly
me: Every time you have one little pain or weird feeling, you're going to be at the doctor and the conspiracy theorist in me says taht's all it's for.
Because doctors really need money, Emily. They simply don't have enough yachts.
Emily: and i don't think insurance will just pay for me to get new boobs becuase my current ones are faulty.
Sent at 12:38 PM on Thursday
Emily: so when people talk about stuffing it kinds grosses me out i don't want to eat something that cooked inside the bird and it all mushy
Sent at 12:39 PM on Thursday
Emily: you know what we don't need... a jersey wedding show. vh1. we don't need it
me: Oh, Christ. No.
Sent at 12:54 PM on Thursday
me: Emily. Is Brad Pitt really THAT good looking?
Emily: i don't think he is the end all be all, but he ain't ugly.
me: Right.
Emily: he is no jon hamm.
Sent at 12:57 PM on Thursday
me: I just sold a gift certificate to a stylish and wonderful gay man
Emily: sounds a lot better than the angry gay man russell who just yelled at me because i told him his church bells ringtone was annoying.
then i stole a tootsie pop.
burn.
[BLANK] has got to be the most boring person on the face of facebook.
me: You just burned that gay man AND [BLANK].
Sent at 1:11 PM on Thursday
me: HA! Lina is going to Ikea with one of the girls from the theater and I told her to text me pictures as if she's going on a vacation somewhere.
Emily: exciting stuff you never know what you'll see though
me: It's true!
Sent at 1:17 PM on Thursday
Emily: [sends a link for a product--a ginger lollipop that eases morning sickness for pregnant women]
me: If I just have a hangover will they work for me?
Emily: maaayyybe.
i wonder what a ginger lollipop tastes like
gross in my head.
but i do like gingerale
Sent at 1:23 PM on Thursday
Emily: oh well everytime i do something mariah carey decides she needs to do it too
me: Name 12 instances in which this occured
Emily: 1. the time i wanted to make a movie and call it sparkle... she did glitter....
Emily: ok i can't keep on
me: hahahahhaha
That's all you've got. You are WEAK!
Sent at 1:42 PM on Thursday
me: Damn he was cute!
And so charmin
HAHAHHAHAHA
me: He was a toilet paper
Sent at 1:44 PM on Thursday
Emily: ok so in the past few minutes i've gotten invites to go seen hanson and nkotb. separately.
heavily considering hanson.
me: That's awesome
Sent at 2:14pm on Thursday
Emily: all i see is her one pic
me: ball ass
Emily: taint
that a bitch
Sent at 2:32 PM on Thursday
Emily: hey know what i can't stand on facebook....
but when people get a lot of pictures from something recent and change thier profile every hour to a new one
Sent at 2:39 PM on Thursday
Emily: ...she is 36 years old
and she thinks vitamins make you fat.
and she won't leave her house without her husbnad
me: I know. That's why I said this to you
This chick just called here b/c she had a ticket but she meant to buy for Toronto. I ask for her name and she just says "Susie"
Really?!
Emily: why does she take a pic of sarah jessica parker to the salon and think her asian hair will do it, then get mad when it looks exactly the same as before
me: You think I can seach the MILLIONS of orders we have if you just give me "susie"?
Sent at 2:44pm on Thursday
Emily: weny's dad won't let her get an american passport or take her husband's last name.
her last name is currently tanuwidjaja, it could be lam.
me: wow.
Emily: i can only pronounce one of them
i said weny you live in a whole other country. you can do what you want
no no no no no
if i see that mcrib commerercial one more time i'm going to kick ronald mcdonald in the balls
so gross.
me: I know!
Sent at 2:56 PM on Thursday
Emily: hoda+kathielee+mchale=giggles.
me: I like math a lot
Emily: i cna't wait til i get old and can act like kathie lee and people are just like oh she's old and drunk
me: I know!!! Emily, it's my dream
me: I already drink my body's worth of water in wine
(That was a good sentence)
Emily: that is some math
me: I think I have to blog about our chat today. We've had some moments.
I don't know if I should leave out the racism though.
Emily: eeeehhh maybe
we don't mean it for real mean, but other people don't know that
me: do you have that pic of me and you sitting on the counter in your mom's kitchen from 1997 saved on your computer?
Emily: looking..... while listening to tootsie roll
Is this a question?
"Yeah, hi. I've never been to your venue before, and I had a few questions. I saw here on your website you have a show that is holiday themed and, what we're looking at is December 4th. We'll be in town that weekend and we need to get two tickets for a show and were just wondering about it. It also says here you can do a pre-show dinner package and that gets you special seating with restaurants in the area, and I saw that O'Brien's is one, which is something we would be interested in and, I found this on your website, though now I can't seem to pull it back up. You also have a deal with the James Hotel, or something like that."
Where were the questions? I must've fallen asleep before you asked them. There wasn't a question mark on the end of any of those run on sentences. Not one!
Where were the questions? I must've fallen asleep before you asked them. There wasn't a question mark on the end of any of those run on sentences. Not one!
Seriously, who IS on first?
Caller: Yes, I want tickets for this Saturday's main stage performance.
Me: I'm sorry, all of our shows on Saturday are completely sold out.
Caller: Oh, well what about the other show?
Me: It's sold out.
Caller: When is your next availability?
Me: Well, we have main stage at 11pm tomorrow night, then both stages have tickets this Sunday at 7pm.
Caller: So, all shows are available tomorrow?
Me: No. Only the mainstage. At 11pm.
Caller: So that's both 11pm shows tomorrow.
Me: No, sir. We only have one show with availability tomorrow and it is the main stage at 11pm. All other shows are sold out.
Caller: And then you're sold out the rest of the weekend?
Me: No. Here's what we have-- tomorrow, Friday, at 11pm, we have one show. It is on the main stage and it is available. Every thing else is sold out. Then, on Saturday, we are completely booked. Then, on Sunday BOTH stages have tickets available for shows at 7pm.
Caller: So you're sold out for tomorrow?
Me: Not for everything, no. The only show we do have is Mainstage at 11pm.
Caller: And then Saturday is open.
Me: No, sir, Saturday is not open. It is sold out. Our next available day would then be Sunday.
Caller: For just main stage.
Me: No. For both shows.
Caller: And then you have both shows tomorrow at 11.
Me: No. Just main stage.
Caller: And then you've got tickets for Saturday at 7.
Holy. Crap.
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