TWINS

The Beast from the 80's got a clone, ya'll!!!
Out.STANDING!

The language barrier between humans and dogs

I. Love. Animals.
Did you get that?

If I see a dog or a cat in public, I lose my mind. I once took an unnecessary trip around the block so I could walk past a Starbucks and check out a dog without seeming too forward. Some folks are not friendly when you talk to their dog in public. A problem, I say, unless their dog is an asshole and wants to bite strangers. Then, I say, "Good on you, dog owner, for being smart and providing a service!"

I also talk to animals like they're people. I have conversations with my cat about shit that I could never discuss with fellow humans. I'm fairly certain he listens, though his advice comes in the form of either A) Licking his tail, B) Rubbing his head on my foot, C) Leaping from the sofa and sprinting to his food bowl to check that it is full, or D) Suggesting I talk to someone I believe he calls "Merle." I've yet to locate "Merle" but I'm sure he's great, as Albus mentions him repeatedly...daily. It's kind of obnoxious.

Last year, while staying with a friend in Japan, I noticed a dog tied up outside of a store. We all freaked! That's my friend, myself, and the dog, all wagging our tails and getting genuinely excited about meeting. I walked forward and immediately launched into typical speech I reserve for animals who are strangers.

"Hey, buddy. What's up? You're handsome. I like your collar. It's red. It looks great on you. Where's your mom? Is she inside? What's she buying? Are you getting a treat? She'd better get you something. I think you're awesome."

My friend approached, petting the dog, talking and carrying on about how cute he was, and then I stopped dead in my tracks. My friend looked up at me as if to say, "What's wrong?"

"This dog...this dog is Japanese. He... doesn't understand English. He doesn't get what I'm saying."

It wasn't until that moment that I realized what a culture shock Japan truly can be. I was a little hurt and frustrated that this dog could not receive my compliments. I was also bewildered by that language barrier. I found it much more jarring than the ones I encountered at the airport or while shopping.

I mean, there are animals out there who do not understand English. They simply cannot comprehend it. It is not their first language. Weird, right?

Signed,
The Cocky American Animal Lover

But our meeting was so brief

I guess there's a soft spot in my heart for this place after all.

I lived there a total of nine months and, in those nine months, I made friends quicker than I have in any other time period in my life. I haven't seen their faces in over three years, yet I still consider some of those memories home. I was transported back there through great reunions (and some awkward small talk) tonight, and it made me realize how much I miss it. As emotionally tumultuous as it was for me, living there for that short time was like nothing I've ever known, and the fact that I can never go back there in the same capacity is weighing heavily on my heart. The independence of my 20's was all wrapped up in a shiny, brightly-lit ball of slot machines, late night comedy, an off-the-wall, ridiculous job and all my bonds were fueled by frustration and homesickness. It was odd, it was different, it was breathtaking, it was scary, it was freeing, it was me facing my fears, it was bold. It was awesome.

And I never even woke up with a dead hooker in my bed...so I can imagine how some other people feel about this place!

Nice try, Health Nuts! If that is your REAL name...

Stop wasting paper, XSport. I will not be joining your gym. Your eagerness to take my money makes me think you are less interested in my fitness than I am...and look at what I ate today! Screw you. Stop soliciting on my car.

I am currently disgusted by "formerly"s

The Today Show... Why do I bother?

This morning, Meredith interviewed Stephanie Dolgoff, author of the book "My Formerly Hot Life." One day, Dolgoff awoke to find she was no longer a spring chicken but she also wasn't an old bat, so she was confused, poor thing. She could have left her husband and family and gone on some pretentious, soul-searching adventure through a foreign land, but someone already wrote that book, and now Julia Roberts is portraying the author in the film. Old. Hat.

What could she do but start another movement of epically, nonsensical proportions? She decided she was no longer a "young, hot girl" she was... "a formerly." Apparently, this is something women who are hitting their 40's are realizing, and they're all pouncing on Dolgoff's book like those shiny, green flies you see swarming around dead things or a pile of shit. Which is appropriate, because that's what all of this is... a pile of festering bullshit.

I am sick of women bitching about being women. Yes, sometimes we are discriminated against because of our tits, and that is upsetting. We can also rule the world with those things because, as a general rule, straight men are kind of dumb and entranced by them, and we should use that shit to our advantage. (And I'm not talking about whoring it up. Though, if that's your thing, go right ahead.)

Stephanie Dolgoff irritated me several times throughout the interview. "...when I became a formerly..." That is not a thing, Dolgoff!! You can't invent a term and then become that thing. What gives you the authority? You're just a chick whose boobs rest a bit lower! You're still a pretty lady. Get over yourself. She pissed me off the most when the following happened:

Meredith: You became, what you called "an adult tween" and it happened while you were riding on the subway. What happened?

Adult tween? You've already lost me, but I'm too busy getting dressed for work to change the station

Stephanie: Well I met my husband on the subway and back then I was considered, you know, pretty hot and flirting on the subway was a standard...

Are you kidding me with this? But wait... there's more

Stephanie:...And um, a guy said, "Excuse me, what time is it?" And I was like [insert eye roll here], "Ugh... here we go again..." And he just really wanted to know what time it was.

Meredith: He wasn't trying to pick you up.

I'm vocal now

Me: Seriously?

Stephanie: Not in any way, shape, or form. There was a series of signs, but that was one of them.

Me: Oh, please. Shut. The fuck. Up.

Yeah, there's a stigma attached to women aging and their sexuality but, according to Dolgoff, it's something that "no one was talking about." Really? Because I think it was called Sex and the City, and I'm pretty sure it also sucked. As a woman myself, I don't think I want to take advice from a former conceited bitch who woke up one day and realized gravity happens. I am somewhat confident, somewhat quirky and weird. I was that way before I started menstruation and I will be that way when I am perimenopausal. I do not need pretentious housewives with too much time on their hands telling me how to live my life as a woman by writing books. Unless I undergo surgery, I have no choice but to live my life as a woman, because I was born with these parts.

Stephanie Dolgoff and women like her act as if there's a day you wake and realize you have T&A, soft skin, better fashion choices and, therefore, this makes you different and you should automatically fight for equality for your own kind. I'm all for fighting for that, but if you aren't being directly oppressed at the time, then what the hell are you bitching about? Rights to equal pay = an important issue. Not getting hit on by strangers on the train once you've hit 40= not an issue. You have a husband. Go drink some fucking wine and stop being such a baby. Or, if standing up for human rights is your thing, why not speak on someone's behalf? Perhaps it could be for a person (or group of persons)currently dealing with a legitimate issue.

P.S. I act every now and then and would love to be in the film version of your book, Stephanie. But, I don't have excessive amounts of underarm flap yet, so we may need to put that off for another decade or two. Think about it. Get back to me. I love a good parody.

Leave her alone

America has a plethora of problems, many of them too heavy for little old me to deal with on this blog that is read by a whopping ten or so people. But there is something going on in this country that's been a constant for the past six years or so, and I'd like to take a moment to address it. We've got to stop projecting our feelings and thoughts onto Jennifer Aniston.


Look at her.

There she is, our old friend, Jen. Remember...she was on that show about some friends? And it was charming and great for the 90's and all that jazz. Then she did movies and none of them were good and that was sad. But, could you hate her? Apparently so. Jennifer Aniston recently said, "Women are realizing it more and more, knowing that they don't have to settle with a man just to have that child," ... "Love is love and family is what is around you and who is in your immediate sphere."

People. Are. Freaking. Out.
I. Do. Not. Understand.

For starters, who cares what she says? She's Jennifer Aniston. It isn't as if she runs our country. Wait... does she?! Yet people want to lash out at her for various reason, all of which seem pretty ridiculous when analyzed. And nothing pleases me more than analyzing stupid shit other people say. It is as if I have a crap ton of time on my hands. Here is some of the backlash Jen has received this week:

1- She is dishonoring all the men out there who are good fathers. Nothing feels better on a hot summer's day than putting words into someone's mouth. See, Jennifer Aniston isn't dishonoring men who are great fathers, because Jennifer Aniston did not say jack shit about men who are great fathers. She is simply stating a fact: There are women out there who are raising children alone. They have the means, they are single, and they are still raising well-rounded children. Newsflash! It is 2010. No one knows the Cleavers anymore. There are all kinds of singles out there raising kids alone... men and women. Do women need a man physically present in order to have a baby? Not after insemination, they don't. Would it be ideal? Yes. But is it possible to raise a child as a single mom and still bring positive male influences into its life? Absolutely.

To say that Aniston is dishonoring men who are good dads by saying this is like saying she puts down all women who choose to go through their lives without starting families at all. It is irrelevant, because that's not what the quote is about. Stop putting words in her mouth.

2-Teenagers who read this will think it is okay to have a baby. What? I'm sorry, let me repeat that. WHAT?! Not only is this a complete and utter head-up-your-ass statement but, even if Jen announced on Oprah to all teens they should get pregnant and be single moms, I'd call bullshit. Why? What teenagers are listening to the words of Jennifer Aniston? That's why. Bogus. If a teen girl reads the words of a celebrity and decides to follow them like gospel, the issues are deep-rooted and lie with the parents (or parent). Celebrities are not here to raise your children. They are here to be annoying and distract us from the world's real problems. Use your heads, please.

3-She's in that place because she's in her 40's and hasn't found Mr. Right. All I could think of for this segment is "Fuck you," but that seems really immature and as stupid as the statement itself. Why is the media still painting Aniston as this desperate woman who can't land a man? Maybe, just maybe, girl doesn't want a man. And, you know what? This is perfectly acceptable as she was married before to an actor who cheated on her. It isn't as if one of Angie's tattoos sprang to life and snatched poor, wittle Brad into her orbit. Just because those two are adopting orphans from here to Mars and feeding the hungry and building homes for folks doesn't mean they're...saints...necessarily. (Okay. Fine. They're good people. Still, though, there was infidelity.) If my ex was an actor who cheated on me with his co-star while on location some where, I'd be a little gun shy about jumping into another relationship for sure. Wouldn't anyone? Especially if that person is in a business where all she meets other actors... you know...people who are often shooting films on location...away... where it is easy to cheat?

Is she less of a woman because she chooses to remain single? No. And to hell with you if you think so. Girl seems happy. Leave it alone.

Let us not forget the most important thing of all... Jennifer Aniston, though she may not be a good one, is an actress. She has a new movie coming out. That movie is about a woman in her 40's who decides to inseminate herself so she can have a kid, because she is not married and wants to be a mom. Hmm... I wonder if her recent quotes have anything to do with promoting a movie? How odd! Man, with the economy the way that it is, if Elijah Wood were promoting Lord of the Rings right now, I'd verbally abuse the hell out of him if he chatted nonchalantly about tossing some gold into a fiery pit. What a fucker.

My point? Jennifer Aniston said a thing that isn't very important, so shut up. She's simply stating that women are independent and can do shit on their own and that the nuclear family, though ideal, is not going to exist in every situation where children are concerned. I find it a bit of an insult to the feminist movement that she should be attacked for saying such things. Quite frankly, I'd rather be smacked on the ass by my boss and called "hot lips" as thanks for a job well done.

Figure it out

Really trying to figure out why this pizza is called "The Georgia."
Here's the description:

Cumin-scented Santa Fe chicken sausage is tempered by the mellow crunch of poblano peppers and finished with smooth Ricotta cheese. Where fierce passion and cool objectivity coincide—like a ride through the New Mexico landscape.

A week's worth of TV

I've been lying around all week learning how to be a human again...as you do when you get the sickness. That means a ton of television. Bad, bad television. Most of it was old episodes of "Roseanne" but I had to find something else to watch when the Conners weren't around to keep me happy.

Here's some shit I heard this week:

HER: We chose TJ Maxx for our destination wedding. I love the store. Every time I walk into the store I might run into my mom, or my aunt, and, well, he knows how important the store is to me.

HIM: Every time we go anywhere...

HER: Hotel has to be within five miles of a TJ Maxx...I'll be walking down the shoe aisle. It's going to be really tempting not to stop for shoes, but...he's better. He's better than a pair of shoes.
- from The Today Show theme wedding segment




"I'm getting ready to go out...with Anthony. I always looked at him strictly as a friend. And then, every time we hung out, we would just always kiss. Ya know? And it was just like...I don't get it. What are we? Friends that kiss? It wasn't until very, very recently that the wheels of my mind...started to turn and it kinda clicked that... I may have feelings for him." - Angela from True Life: I'm a Staten Island Girl

Chores.

I am so very happy