I should be in marketing

When I log into Netflix, this is what I see:



There it is. A happy family of four enjoying A Bug's Life or some shit. I don't identify with this and I think Netflix would be doing themselves a favor by switching it up a bit. We can keep the family. I'm sure some people are that vanilla and mundane. But here are some other options for the company so that they may, in fact, appeal to their core demographic.

Dude with no direction
This poor bastard is covered in potato chip crumbs and there's a half-eaten Tombstone (Yeah, it ain't even Digiorno) pizza on the table. The pizza is surrounded by Netflix envelopes. He is probably watching action movies. He may even be watching Die Hard for the millionth time because he is too cheap to buy it. He should probably be slapped in the mouth for wasting his Netflix money on the same DVDs repeatedly. He has no girlfriend. He wants one, but the girl he's chasing is not interested and he isn't taking hints. He does not shower regularly.

Miserable couple
No doubt these two need couple's therapy. They are watching something terrible together. It's probably a movie they bonded over like, Benny & Joon. She told him at the party when they met that she loved this movie and he pretended to love it too because she was showing a lot of cleavage that night. Now it's four years in, they both feel stuck, and they haven't had sex (with one another) in months. He was a dumbass and said something like, "This is stupid!" when Johnny Depp took the dinner rolls and stabbed them with forks, making them dance. And the girl said something like, "I thought you loved this movie. That's why I picked this one. I can't believe this. It's like I don't even know you." She knows damn good and well that there are no straight men on the planet (Well, there may be one) who like this movie and this was all a ploy to get her into bed four years ago, but she has been kidding herself. Women, we often believe the stupid shit men say when they want sex and, really, it must stop.

The lonesome dove
This could be depicted as a man or a woman. If you want to do a split screen photo, Netflix, I have no problem with that, but you'll have to be really distinct about it. For example, the chick's apartment must be decorated in bright colors and the lighting must be in contrast to that of the dude's. Otherwise, people will think this is a photo of the miserable couple from earlier, because these two lonely sad sacks are crying their pitiful eyes out. They're both watching Love Actually and it isn't even Christmas. The guy is imagining he's Colin Firth. Someday his cleaning lady will fall for him even though she speak "No English." Then he remembers his cleaning lady is not beautiful like Firth's girlfriend in the movie. Then he realizes his cleaning lady is in fact his mother when she comes over for her biweekly visit. Then he cries some more. The girl, in turn, dreams of being Martine McCutcheon's character. She's the girl who falls for Hugh Grant who is the Prime Minister in the film. Only this Netflix customer would rather fall for someone less boushie than Hugh Grant. (Readers: someone who is "boushie" acts like both a douche and a bitch.)

The Cynic
This bitch does not believe in any thing she's watching right now. It is probably some fantasy movie her nerdy friend told her to check out and her face looks like something just died right under her nose. And the stench is killing her. The only reason she is suffering through this is because her roller derby team decided not to meet tonight, because one of the girls broke up with her girlfriend and wants to be girlfriends with another girl on the team who already has a boyfriend. This chick couldn't deal with that drama, so she's watching Avatar and thinking about punching people in the neck.


Marisol
She's dressed like a cross between Phoebe from "Friends" and someone who is late for their shift at the Renaissance Festival. She is watching The English Patient because she, apparently, hates herself.


The Drunk
She is surrounded by wine bottles and a couple beers. I hope she has vodka some there too. She may even be stoned, but they probably won't depict that. She's watching every episode of "Full House". She is supremely awesome.


The Stoner
You know exactly what he's doing. Surrounded by buddies and a cloud of smoke, he is watching something awesomely stupid or deeply intelligent. Or something awesomely stupid that he views as deeply intelligent due to his current state. He is laughing hysterically, which means it is probably a drama, but I can't be bothered to name the movie at this time. His shirt is black with bleach stains and there is a comic book character on the front.


The Emotional Eater
She's got her cooking spoon in a carton of Ben and Jerry's and a bottle of chocolate sauce next to her Diet Coke just in case things get really terrible. She's holding a cat. She's watching Marley and Me and needs a hug. Her pajamas are from Victoria's Secret, but she got them on sale.


The "Intellectual"
This guy pretends to be smart to lure in ladies, so he is watching a documentary about something he does not understand. He looks confused, because he is confused. He is eating carrots and hummus. His shirt is pressed, which is weird for a straight dude.

I could come up with more...

This isn't really about her. Calm down.

Insanity.

Defined as "a relatively permanent disorder of the mind."

You're reaching it. Why? Here's a check off list of everything you've got to do for the next two weeks? Why a check off list? Because they're fun to type. Stop judging. Why are you reading this anyway if you don't like it? It's for your own good.

June 29
*Work from 9-4
*Sit at home, and search for some sort of cheap/inexpensive dinner between hours of 4:30 and 6, because pay day isn't until tomorrow.
*6pm...start getting ready for rehearsal.
*6:30pm leave for rehearsal
*7pm be at rehearsal and fight people until 10pm
*10:30pm watch "Skins." Yes, it is important. Fuck you, anyway!
*11pm Try and sleep. Luckily it's not hot and humid in the apartment this week, because holy balls!

June 30
*7am wake up
*Work 9-4 (Did I mention work was on the phone for seven straight hours talking to legitimate monsters? Not cool monsters like from Frankenstein or something like that, but scary, terrible human beings who are mean, shallow, and demanding of your time.)
*For the afternoon of June 30, please SEE ABOVE (i.e. June 29, because it is the same)
*10pm-til ? - photos for show
* Such and such o'clock- Go to bed and not sleep well, because you didn't watch "Skins."

(Please keep in mind you are not watching "So You Think You Can Dance" this season due to scheduling conflicts and who knows what you'll do when "Weeds" comes back! Also, this blog entry keeps getting interrupted by phone calls by the monsters, and not Lady Gaga's monsters either. But, Allie Debard's friends who lack the mental capacity it takes to order their tickets properly, sending me into a spiteful rage.)

July 1
*wake up at 8, though the cat probably got you up at 5. Thanks for nothing, cat.
*work from 10-4 dealing with those monsters again. Meanwhile, Allie Debard's friends' show doesn't happen until July 9, so they'll probably still be calling.
*4-6pm eat and write a rent check that kills your spirit and say to yourself and the person at the McDonald's drive thru window,
"I'd go shopping for something healthy if I had the time. Seeing as heart disease runs in my family, that should be the only thing I'm doing. But, alas, other people go to the grocery as well, and when other people are there, it takes forever. Factor in traffic, plus the jacked up pricing and it's an overall stressful trip. Number three with a Coke, please. Non diet."

July 2
*wake up at 8 again, but the cat's still bitching, so you know the drill
*Work from 10-4 and cry over my sad bank account
*Fight the urge to spend $40 on margaritas and Mexican food to wash away the Allie Debard and Co.
*Get wasted

July 3
*Be hung over, but get up because the sun is out, it's July 3rd and your body still has no idea what a tan is, let alone how to acheive one while indoors.
* Get wasted.
*Eat

July 4
*Celebrate independence by eating, drinking, sitting outside and maybe watching a movie

July 5
This is a week from hell, so I hope you're ready:

*Work 9-4
*rehearsal 7-til ?

July 6
Same as the 5th

July 7
Same as the 5th and 6th

July 8
Should probably consider doing laundry after your 10am appointment
Then rehearsal til who knows when
You'd better hope you get to watch "Skins"
Also, you have a preview performance, not a rehearsal. So scratch that one part, but still...you're at the theater til close to 10pm.

July 9
Work 9-4
Preview performance
Think about Allie Debard and consider going to work just to throw rocks at her and her idiotic friends.

July 10
Try and do nothing til you have to be at the theater. Realize that probably won't work. You will also, most likely, have an improv show after your preview show which means you will be awake until 2am, but you don't have to work on the 11th. Or do you? You can't remember. You should probably have wine now.


July 11
Get lost in your own home and piss yourself on the way to the bathroom.


July 12
Show has previewed so all you have is work. Oh...and then a rehearsal. You forgot about rehearsal.


July 13
Work. Again. 9-4. No more Allie Debard though, right?

July 14
Go to your 8:45am appt.
Punch someone, because you need it.
Pick up rehearsal. Yes? No? You don't know.
Also, you have to find some time to do a voice over. It's needed.
"Skins"? It is your day off, right? Most likely not. Not even on your day off. Or is it a day off? Because you've got that second job you nearly forgot about. Rats. Ass.

July 15
Cry when you hear the work "tickets"
Also, you're working 9-4

July 16
The show opens, it finally opens. You're working before that happens though. Then, you're getting drunk.

July 17
Wait. Are you working today? Don't know. You might be puking though, or perhaps crafting a weapon out of yarn and construction paper.
*3pm=Target practice, scratch that! DRUNKEN target practice
*8pm show, which means you'd better have been at the theater an hour ago.

July 18
Work from 11-4.
Also, there's a troll at work and it is scary.
And those damned monsters.
*7pm show, call time was 6. I hope you weren't late.
*9pm go home. Cry. Write about it. Remember that July is nearly over now and you've yet to save money for moving expenses. Curse your minimal income. Kick someone in the guts.
*Piss. Go to bed.
*Wake up at 3am. Forget where you live.



Emma Watson's check off list was brought to you by Casey Pilkenton and a lack of sleep. And that Corona she has.

Ya know...

...the only thing more annoying than people bragging about their new iPhones is people complaining about their new iPhones.

Really?

Of all the things in the world that I have called these things in the past...

This is serious.

Every now and then, I get that way.

When it comes to procreation, there should be some sort of a system.
Also, there are many, many men out there who deserve to have their dicks removed by means of the most painful method known to humanity. Saw if off with a dull stone, or perhaps have a dog with no teeth gum it off.

Whatever the case may be, if you know a guy is an asshole, and you see your friend with that asshole, you should probably let your friend know that by saying, "Hey, this dude is an asshole." Especially, if that guy is a cheating asshole.


This kind of courtesy would have saved a very good friend of mine a lot of pain and heart ache recently.

Got it?

Etsy...

...you tempt me yet again.

I just, really, really don't

Excuse me, ABC Family?!

I'm going to need to be notified when you're having a Back to the Future marathon. You've met me! Come on!

Does this make me the Jay Leno of fans?

I kind of wish I hadn't gifted this button...

Steve Martin.

"What if writing comedy was a dead end because one day everything would have been done and we writers would just run out of stuff? I assuaged myself with my own homegrown homily: Comedy is a distortion of what is happening, and there will always be something happening."

"Through the years, I have learned there is no harm in charging oneself up with delusions between moments of inspiration."

Great Moments in YouTube Comment History, Vol. 5- Pop Video edition

"I touched my penis to this "
Lady Gaga - Telephone (Official Explicit Version) ft. Beyoncé

"Here's my only problem with this song. She says "Playin' our favorite CDs". Who does that? CDs...lol. "
Ke$ha- Tik Tok

"wish i had a guitar like that when i was 15 :p.... justin bieber can go fuck himself, i mean seriously, ive never wanted to punch a kid before..... "
Taylor Swift-Fifteen

"this is gaaaaay"
Ke$ha - TiK ToK [NEW MOON - PARODY]

File this under-"No shit!"

Can we talk about True Life: I'm a Newly Wed for a second? Great.

Currently watching this show and a couple, both aged 22, decided they wouldn't have ANY sexual interaction with ANYONE prior to marriage. Not even kissing. Their first kiss was at the alter on their wedding day.

Then, of course, we see scenes of them prepping for their wedding night, the bride stating, "I can't believe in a few hours, I'll be having sex," the guy making a great display of hanging the DO NOT DISTURB sign on the door. Ridiculous. I had the thought, "I'd find this entire production of my first sexual experience terribly awkward," hence why I have never been an advocate of waiting for marriage. Why would you want everyone to know your business?

So...the next morning...they have breakfast at their hotel. Girl says, "I feel weird. It's like everyone knows I'm not a virgin anymore." Um. DING! DING! DING! DING!

Not only did you announce to your family, your friends, your parents' friends and a minister that you were 100% sexually pure at your wedding, you are on a television show that is airing on MTV. Guess what, everyone IS aware that you aren't a virgin anymore. Where you went wrong is believing this was vital information to share with the world.

Lesson: if you think it might even have the potential of making you feel awkward or weird, do not share the business of your nether regions with anyone other than your partner and a physician. I hate to dumb this post down but, I mean, duh.

Some Guys Have All the Luck

Look at this little SOB.

I'm ecstatic for someone acheiving their dreams and goals, nine times out of ten. But this situation has kind of pissed me off. Here's why:

In case you don't know what this kid is all about, he's 13, youngest to reach the top of Mt. Everest and wants to reach the top of all the world's highest peaks. His
first appearance on the Today Show left me interested. I thought, "Hey, great for him!" Then I went on about my day.

This morning, he was interviewed. Someone stated that, when he was 9, he saw a poster of the world's highest peaks in his elementary school and said, "I want to do that." That really got me thinking--- How much money has it cost to get this kid around the world to do this? I'm all for accomplishments, but it is a bit unfair that spoiled rich kids are more likely to realize their dreams simply because their parents had the means to put them in all the right places. Show me a hobo who has done what this kid has done, and then I'll throw an effing parade!

Also, Matt Lauer asked, "What advice would you give to parents who are watching who have kids that want to attempt what you've done?"
His response? Don't do it. It was hard and dangerous.

Sounds like someone wants all the glory. Suddenly he's the He-Man of mountain peaks and he refuses to let anyone step up to his level. Selfish and spoiled on so many levels. I'm now only 1/3 impressed.

What a 13 year old jag!


(Just for the record, I'm only half kidding by posting this)