If apes can do sign language...

...then certainly we can solve this looming problem.

Having toilets that flush automatically is an astounding privilege, and you are abusing it. It's as if we take for granted that we have usable hands or some shit. Since the beginning of the automatic toilet's creation, I have seen hundreds, thousands, probably millions of public bowls sullied with yellow-brown water, wads of toilet paper, menstrual blood, you name it. Often times I give the pissers, shitters, and menstruators before me the benefit of the doubt and assume, "That thing must be broken."

There are signs behind most of these toilets next to buttons that read "Press to flush." I always give the button the old college try because I do not care to add my urine to the existing muck so someone else can gaze upon all those natural colors. Nine times out of ten, the waste flushes down to where it needs to be--out of fucking sight. Am I the only person who can read these signs? No. You are just lazy and nasty

People of Earth who use public restrooms, I implore you! You are not kings and queens. I know this because monarchs do not frequent toilets at stadiums and airports. If they did they would probably have an assistant accompany them in order to take care of Royal Flush anyway. (You're welcome.) If the automatic mechanism does not work you should have the damn decency to flush the fucking commode.

Let me put it this way. If you walked up to an automatic door that did not open upon your arrival, would you not shop at that grocery store? Would you just stand there like the little dog from that episode of Two Stupid Dogs I loved so much? No. You'd push. It takes more manpower to push open a door than it does to push the tiny button on these new-fangled toilets that aren't so much a novelty in this day and age as they are an expectation. Button pushing is satisfying as hell! We push buttons repeatedly throughout the day while sitting at computers or communicating via text. We love pushing buttons. Think of it as a game. Think back to when you were potty training and you loved to watch your business spiral into what seemed like an alternate universe. Better yet, think of your fellow man, the person who has to come into the stall behind you. That person could be me, and I do not care to view your fecal matter.

So remember- if you piss or shit in town and the automatic flush don't come 'round, flush it down.

Why should you respect your techie or stage manager?

Think about it. They don't get a bow. They do not get reviewed. They do not receive applause. Rarely will the average audience member or critic rave about the props, the set, the lighting, or the sound. A technician's job is often thankless and, this may cause a few pairs of undies to bunch, some may argue they even work harder than you do, dear actors. Yes, that's right. There is a reason why it is easier to find a paid stage manager than a wealthy performer in Chicago. There is a reason why you point to the booth during the curtain call. It isn't to stave off some old superstition.It is to direct the audience's attention to the person behind the glass, the man behind the curtain. A long time ago, some person (perhaps it was a director) had the brilliant idea to make it customary because actors, while basking in the glow of audience affection or the stage lighting that makes them look oh, so pretty, would most likely forget to do so. The performer who does not appreciate and thank his or her technicians (And understudies, dammit! Even talented people get explosive diarrhea at inopportune moments.) deserve a literal leg break.

Do not disrespect those who are in a position to truly at the helm of your little show. And, by the way, to ignore is to disrespect. You may receive most of the glory, but the show is in your technicians' hands. Your stage managers should be considered gods. They have the power the cut the lights at any time. Perhaps when you're exiting down a flight of stairs...

Think about it, pretty assholes.

So, you've decided to ride your bike...

(Please note this is not a slam against those who ride bikes. It is a slam against idiots.)

You bike to work. That is commendable. Riding a bike in the city is something I choose to avoid. It isn't because I like to cause pollution that I drive my car. To put it plainly, I am a spazz and do not trust myself when operating such a simple vehicle especially when said vehicle was not designed to give me a false sense of security in the form of doors and a roof of some sort. What you do on a daily basis is praiseworthy, because it is very dangerous. I am a firm believer in cyclists' rights as I know and love many people who ride bikes to and from work every day. So, let it be said, I am watching out for you. But would it kill you to watch out for me and other motorists as well? Or yourselves for that matter? I'm fairly certain the answer to that question is- no, it will not kill you, and thank goodness for that!

Cyclists make me nervous because, for every one person I see on their bike with both hands on the handlebars, their eyes on the road, signaling before they make each turn, I see about three doing the exact opposite. They're swerving in and out of the bike lane, they're showing lack of concern for their own well-being, and they're texting or chatting on their cell phone while riding one-handed in high traffic areas. Since when did your bicycle become your free pass to be a jackass? The last time I checked, the only people who have an excuse to go about their day performing feats of lunatic daring and idiocy while leaving the responsibility of their own safety in the hands of other people are children and, even then, I question whether or not I agree with such practices. Your safety is important to me but you are also an adult and, if you don't necessarily care about getting to and fro in one piece, why do I have to then take all of that weight onto my shoulders?

I am on the roads every day, and I know that people drive cars like idiots, some people ride bikes like idiots, and even pedestrians are known to walk like idiots. We're only human after all. I am not the bully just because I am in a car. I am doing my part as a responsible motorist by looking out for you, but is it too much to ask for us to all look out for one another? I am tired of seeing news articles about serious and fatal bike accidents throughout the city. As a concerned friend, I lose sleep over it and it breaks my heart. But know this- it doesn't matter if you hit someone or you are the one on the receiving end of the blow; only the details of an accident determine whether or not you are the victim or the asshole.

Motorists, cyclists, and pedestrians- keep your eyes open and be safe!

Lessons in love from this idiot here.

OR, you could say "Yeah, speaking of alleys..." then say something witty about your vagina.

-How to respond to an email sent by someone you think should ask you out

Cut out these bad habits

Here is a list of common "jokes" that we should probably all stop using:

Person 1 (who is also pregnant): I am so tired.
Person 2: Oh! Well! Just you wait 'til that little one gets here!

The saying, "It's funny because it's true," does not mean if something is true then it must also be funny. No one has ever chortled over the idea of an infant keeping them awake all hours of the night. Basking in someone's misery is really not becoming of any human being, unless the miserable person is also an incredible asshole.


Person 1: The bar is open.
Person 2: OH! a-haha! Oh, well! Thank goodness for that! Haha! That's all we care about! The important things!

Alcoholism is only funny when served with a shot of indifference. Examples:
Finding me with an up-turned bottle of wine attached to my face- funny.
My calling it out, then laughing about it- sad. It also turns me into that kid in middle school who tried cigarettes for the first time, then made certain to smoke in front of all the other students while shouting, "Oh, man! This is like, my hundredth cigarette today! Wow. Emphysema, here I come!"

Person 1: My fiance and I haven't had sex in over a week.
Person 2: Ha! Wait until you guys are married. Then you'll really miss sex.

I shouldn't have to explain to you why I don't find the idea of loveless, passionless marriages amusing. Legalize gay marriage and this may become less of an issue.

Person 1 (Who is also a kid): I don't want to go to school.
Person 2: You grow up and get a job! Then you'll beg to go back to school!

This is not entirely true. I work. I've thought about going back to school. The idea of it terrifies, bewilders, and sickens me. I don't like working either, so get off your high horse, adults! You know damn good and well that you can empathize with this school-hating child. No matter the form of compensation-monetary gains or letter grades-sitting inside all day sucks a sack of balls.

Person 1 (upon hearing a fussy child): Well. Sounds like someone's unhappy.

Right. Because your little quip just made all of us standing in line at Barnes and Noble a bit more tolerant of this disagreeable and obnoxious baby. Thank you, for that.

Person 1: I thought I'd lost my cell phone, but then I found it in between the couch cushions.
Person 2: Ha! Yeah. Well, it's always in the last place you look.

Just stop.

*Rest assured, friends. This entry has "reoccurring series" written all over it. Spending one day reading Facebook comments is evidence enough of that.*

From STFU, Parents

"C’mon people. Don’t yell at employees who make minimum wage to man a table of grains just so you and your son can stuff your faces as you shop. That makes about as much sense as tinting your windows so dark that a cop has the right to issue you a ticket. I never understand why people do that."

Today's Thoughts

#1- Am I overly thrilled by the fact that there's a town in California called "Oxnard"? Um...define "overly"...

#2- To the girl who burst from some other dimension and ran directly in front of my car at the 4-way stop without giving me so much as a glance: Bright purple jacket? Nice choice. Otherwise, you would have been turned into a speed bump by a white Ford Focus today. As a pedestrian you do have the right of way, but you still have to proceed with caution and pay attention. Having the right of way does not make you invincible.

Unless...wait! Now I'm thinking about how you seemed to appear out of thin air. Bitch, do you have powers?!

#3- Speaking of 4-way stops, here's a thing most of Chicago seems to not know! When approaching an intersection with a stop sign it is absolutely necessary to stop when the car in front of you does because, well, you don't have much of a choice. However, and here is where some of you seem to be getting confused, when the car ahead of you goes and you pull forward to the stop sign, you still have to stop. "Again?!" Yes, again. See, the car in front of you stopping does not also count as your stop at the intersection. That's not how this works. Know how I know that? Because a stop sign, oddly enough, is not a traffic light, therefore the process is not the same. I hope this helps you not kill me and/or yourself during the morning commute. (Consider this my good deed for the day.)

#4- Ladies wearing flats without socks in 50-degree weather: Hoes, it is still nippy out. I know you're eager to show a little skin after the brutality that is Winter, but your time will come. Also, my socks and oxfords indicate that you are definitely not any better or cooler than I am. What have you got to prove anyway? Warmer weather is coming, I promise. Relax a bit.

#5- To the customers who try to memorize their credit card numbers then recite them while placing orders: Folks, I've said it before, I'll say it again, this shit is not necessary at all. It is printed across the plastic for a reason, and you are causing yourself much more frustration than you believe by trying to attempt this feat of lunatic daring. I will not think less of you if you are holding the card in front of you and reading it into the phone. In fact, I won't know the damn difference, because I can't see you through said phone. Also, I don't give a shit. Memorize something more useful in this situation like, for instance, which show you want to see or which night you'll be attending. (Though, even that could be written on a Post-It or something. It's cool.)

Nice job, caregiver

Her: Yeah, my friend is doing a midnight improv show. And, I'm just wondering if you think that would be an okay place for a kid or not really.
Me: I would say that it isn't.
Her: Why? Because of language.
Me: Possibly. We recommend 17 and up for all shows. With it being an improv show, we really don't know ahead of time what is going to be said. So, yeah, I would say it would be a bad idea to bring a child for that fact.
Her: So, if I bring the kid, will you just not let us in?
Me: How old is the kid?
Her: Seven.


Seven. Never you mind our age minimum being (inexplicably) ten years old, why won't he be in bed at midnight? The little scamp needs a night of 'fucks' and blowjob jokes before being tucked in, I guess. Ahh, to be young...

Fashion common sense

Flip flops. A summer necessity.
Makers and designers of flip flops, I don't understand. Your job is to create a thing, and I am behind that one hundred percent. You're lucky, but you should maybe think about another outlet for your artistic side. A craft project at home, perhaps? Paint a mural in your family room?

Casey. What are you talking about?
This, fools.

Now, this flip flop design makes sense. The floral pattern covers a large area, leaving some of the color to peek out above the toes of the wearer. I can accept flip flop artwork such as this. However...


What the fuck is this noise? The design is positioned perfectly underneath your grubby foot for absolutely no one to see. Unless the soles of your dogs appreciate a fine piece of art, this is pointless. The only time anyone will see this is when you take the damn things off. At that point you've worn them, leaving the prettiness (Let's be kind. Someone thought this was pretty.) sullied by your sweaty, dirty foot grime. This is a travesty and it makes an artist and fashion lover sad as hell.

Flip flop designers, respect yourselves. You are better than this and deserve to have your creativity exhibited someplace other than a flimsy piece of foam upon which a person's pedal extremity shall rest.

He discourages me

My roommate really knows how to kick a girl when she's down.



Me: I was in Walgreen's today and, you know the baby on 'Teen Mom 2' with the glasses?
David: Nope!
Me: Yes, you do! She was sick...
David: Yeah, nerve damage.
Me: Yeah. Well, now she has glasses, because one of her eyes is crossed. Anyway, she was on the cover of a magazine and the couple behind me in line were saying things like, 'Look at that baby!' and 'Ha! She looks like Elton John.' It upset me. I almost said something!
David: What? Like, 'That baby is sick!'
Me: Exactly. I was so mad.
(pause)
David: Liz Lemon would've said something.
Me: Are you trying to make me feel worse?!

Details, please.

"Hi. My friend thinks she left her purse there. It's made of fabric...kind of like a bag."
"Okay, could you describe it, please?"
"It was made of fabric. And...the fabric...had a print on it. Also, her wallet is in it."




That's it? Check out this definition of the word "purse."
purse (pûrs)
n.
1. A woman's bag for carrying keys, a wallet, and other personal items; a handbag.
2. A small bag or pouch for carrying money.
3. Something that resembles a bag or pouch.

For starters, I don't understand how you walk out of a theater without your purse but, let's assume for courtesy's sake that she isn't dumb. It was just an oversight- a gigantic oversight. Also, let's imagine she's drunk. Now, this show took place at 7pm last night-17 hours prior to this inquiry to lost and found. Don't you think this is a thing she would notice before 12:30 the next day? "Oh, bumskies, you guys. My bag is like...totes not here." And wouldn't she want to make this phone call rather than having her valley girl-sounding friend do it? (Uh...BTDubs, the valley girl is like sooooooo 80's.)

A note to the friend: Sweetie, I bet you're real pretty, but let's break it down here. First off, I hope you were able to read the definition of "purse" that I so graciously posted for you. Here is a challenge for you that differs from the cumbersome task of walking and breathing at the same time that you seem to struggle with daily. (Fun!) Find a purse that does not meet at least one, if not all, of the following requirements:
1. "Kind of like a bag."
2. Made of fabric and the fabric has print on it.
3. Has a wallet inside.

It will be tough, but I think you can do it. In addition, learning how to describe things utilizing names of colors is a great skill to have in your "kind of like a bag" of tricks.

*Note* The bag depicted here is, in fact, not the missing one, but is it not adorable?

Get a room (or a private video chat)

I am thankful for many things but, topping that list may be the fact that Dan and I can appreciate one another without going to lengths such as this. There is a time and a place for romance, people. I like it when people are happy, but Facebook is abused when it comes to this shit.

Not for the fluttery of heart

Like how I no longer qualify as the "single one" among my friends, and yet I still think girls (and some guys) in relationships are gross? Me too.

Here's the thing-no one other than you cares how truly in love you are at this time, and though you may be feeling extreme joy after finding that "special someone" you're not the first person to feel that, and you certainly won't be the last. Also, call me a cynic, but that shit goes away. Your butterflies will subside. One day you might live with this person and they will most likely end up with a virus that gives them diarrhea or they'll vomit (Happens to most of us). Then, you're really being tested. I wonder why you aren't posting pictures of that on Facebook?

Caption: I am such a lucky girl! xoxo :)<3
My comment: It isn't that I don't care about you as a person or as a friend, and your happiness is more than welcome here. The details behind said happiness, however, may be the best secrets you will ever keep. For fuck's sake, please keep them.

And, once again, no one but you and the person with their face in the toilet would give a shit. Romantic love is a thing that should be shared between two people (or many if you're into polygamy), not between you, your lover (shudder), and your 500+ Facebook friends. Though we may feel as if the entire universe should know how elated we are, though it may seem cute to post the pictures of the flowers we got "just because! He's so great!", though we may want to shout our significant others' respective names from our own respective rooftops, it is not necessary. It comes across as if you are bragging that someone has picked you. Again, I have to say, happens to most of us.

Love can be a tumultuous and overwhelming cacophony of emotions on its own, so why don't you take it upon yourself to be the one who shuts up? It's kind of like this, I like McDonald's for what it is, but I cannot stand or understand the fascination with the McRib. I feel the same way about pictures of your Valentine's Day flowers and how you relate them to love. I just don't get it. Call me a nut bag, but I don't think that's romance.

Thoughts I had this morning

#1- I used to be fairly low maintenance when it came to getting ready to leave for work in the morning. Then, Chicago winters happened to me. Now, for at least six months out of the year, I am going to be late for work, because I am constantly walking out the door, leaving body warming implements, forcing me to go back into the house.

#2- We have lost Lindsay Lohan and the media needs to get over it. She's done. I know that Britney has recently returned from drug-induced crazy, but we can't have it all, America. The bitch stole shit. As did Winona Ryder, and now look. Who respects her? No one.Don't get me wrong. Everyone loves a shoplifter unless that shoplifter is someone other than themselves. (Don't tell me you never lifted a Lip Smackers lip gloss or a piece of candy as a kid.) But a $2,500 necklace? Gross.
Can we let go of her, please? What exactly are we missing out on now that she isn't acting? Name one good film she did post puberty that Tina Fey was not responsible for, and I will write you a check for $2,500. Catch is, you have to do this in person and convince me that you truly believe 'Georgia Rule' was worth anyone's money or time. And I'm a tough person to convince.

#3- If you portray any character who is based on an actual, living human being in a film that is highly revered, even if your performance is "meh" at best, you will get an Oscar nomination. Jesse Eisenberg, I like you, but I'm also looking at you. You played yourself. What a stretch!


#4- That being said, you know that Oscar night is almost here when the #1 movie in the US box office is no longer anything of great, artistic integrity, but rather a 'Single White Female' ripoff set in a college. I guess we all need to cleanse our palette from such quality films as 'True Grit', 'The King's Speech', and 'The Fighter'. Just give them the statuettes or not. America is done with good movies until next autumn when it starts to matter again.

#5- If journalists are going to make a habit of getting singers to "sing us a little bit" while doing interviews, they may as well go full-on 'Auntie Mable at the Family Reunion' and ask actors to "act something out" and get comedians to "tell us a joke." Otherwise, it's kind of weird.

Too Little, Too Late

Well they just keep pouring in today...

Negligence: I need to get tickets for Saturday night at 8.
Me: I'm sorry, sir all of those shows are sold out on Saturday.
Negligence: Dammit! It's my anniversary.
Me: I'm sorry, sir.
Negligence: Not your fault I just should have called earlier! I thought about it because I did some group sales through you guys for work and I got my invoice and decide...Anyway, are you sure? It's sold out? Are you checking?
Me: I've checked. It's sold.
Negligence: Dammit. I really could use a laugh that night.

Or...a divorce. Just get a divorce, please.

I should be in marketing

When I log into Netflix, this is what I see:



There it is. A happy family of four enjoying A Bug's Life or some shit. I don't identify with this and I think Netflix would be doing themselves a favor by switching it up a bit. We can keep the family. I'm sure some people are that vanilla and mundane. But here are some other options for the company so that they may, in fact, appeal to their core demographic.

Dude with no direction
This poor bastard is covered in potato chip crumbs and there's a half-eaten Tombstone (Yeah, it ain't even Digiorno) pizza on the table. The pizza is surrounded by Netflix envelopes. He is probably watching action movies. He may even be watching Die Hard for the millionth time because he is too cheap to buy it. He should probably be slapped in the mouth for wasting his Netflix money on the same DVDs repeatedly. He has no girlfriend. He wants one, but the girl he's chasing is not interested and he isn't taking hints. He does not shower regularly.

Miserable couple
No doubt these two need couple's therapy. They are watching something terrible together. It's probably a movie they bonded over like, Benny & Joon. She told him at the party when they met that she loved this movie and he pretended to love it too because she was showing a lot of cleavage that night. Now it's four years in, they both feel stuck, and they haven't had sex (with one another) in months. He was a dumbass and said something like, "This is stupid!" when Johnny Depp took the dinner rolls and stabbed them with forks, making them dance. And the girl said something like, "I thought you loved this movie. That's why I picked this one. I can't believe this. It's like I don't even know you." She knows damn good and well that there are no straight men on the planet (Well, there may be one) who like this movie and this was all a ploy to get her into bed four years ago, but she has been kidding herself. Women, we often believe the stupid shit men say when they want sex and, really, it must stop.

The lonesome dove
This could be depicted as a man or a woman. If you want to do a split screen photo, Netflix, I have no problem with that, but you'll have to be really distinct about it. For example, the chick's apartment must be decorated in bright colors and the lighting must be in contrast to that of the dude's. Otherwise, people will think this is a photo of the miserable couple from earlier, because these two lonely sad sacks are crying their pitiful eyes out. They're both watching Love Actually and it isn't even Christmas. The guy is imagining he's Colin Firth. Someday his cleaning lady will fall for him even though she speak "No English." Then he remembers his cleaning lady is not beautiful like Firth's girlfriend in the movie. Then he realizes his cleaning lady is in fact his mother when she comes over for her biweekly visit. Then he cries some more. The girl, in turn, dreams of being Martine McCutcheon's character. She's the girl who falls for Hugh Grant who is the Prime Minister in the film. Only this Netflix customer would rather fall for someone less boushie than Hugh Grant. (Readers: someone who is "boushie" acts like both a douche and a bitch.)

The Cynic
This bitch does not believe in any thing she's watching right now. It is probably some fantasy movie her nerdy friend told her to check out and her face looks like something just died right under her nose. And the stench is killing her. The only reason she is suffering through this is because her roller derby team decided not to meet tonight, because one of the girls broke up with her girlfriend and wants to be girlfriends with another girl on the team who already has a boyfriend. This chick couldn't deal with that drama, so she's watching Avatar and thinking about punching people in the neck.


Marisol
She's dressed like a cross between Phoebe from "Friends" and someone who is late for their shift at the Renaissance Festival. She is watching The English Patient because she, apparently, hates herself.


The Drunk
She is surrounded by wine bottles and a couple beers. I hope she has vodka some there too. She may even be stoned, but they probably won't depict that. She's watching every episode of "Full House". She is supremely awesome.


The Stoner
You know exactly what he's doing. Surrounded by buddies and a cloud of smoke, he is watching something awesomely stupid or deeply intelligent. Or something awesomely stupid that he views as deeply intelligent due to his current state. He is laughing hysterically, which means it is probably a drama, but I can't be bothered to name the movie at this time. His shirt is black with bleach stains and there is a comic book character on the front.


The Emotional Eater
She's got her cooking spoon in a carton of Ben and Jerry's and a bottle of chocolate sauce next to her Diet Coke just in case things get really terrible. She's holding a cat. She's watching Marley and Me and needs a hug. Her pajamas are from Victoria's Secret, but she got them on sale.


The "Intellectual"
This guy pretends to be smart to lure in ladies, so he is watching a documentary about something he does not understand. He looks confused, because he is confused. He is eating carrots and hummus. His shirt is pressed, which is weird for a straight dude.

I could come up with more...