Ass.

403 Forbidden: The server understood the request, but is refusing to fulfill it.

What a stubborn, insubordinate bastard, you are, Work Server!

Email accident

I am tired.
Zombielike and stuff.

The following is an email exchange betwixt coworkers and myself. Please note, I have a coworker named Betsy Stone, not Brian Stone. You should also know that I do not know her email and had to ask for it prior to this exchange.

from CASEY PILKENTON
to BOXCO
11:30AM

One, piping hot shift from 9am to 4pm this Friday.
If you don't take it... I will cry. I. Need. Sleep.

Please?
Casey
------------------------------------------------
from MEG HUNTSMAN
to CASEY PILKENTON
11:50AM
I will take it! Don't cry. I. Need. Money. Just got my first list of textbooks for fall...:p

-------------------------------------------------
from CASEY PILKENTON
to BOXCO
11:51AM

Meg is the winner!!!!!
Thanks, Meg

-------------------------------------------------

from BRIAN STONE
to CASEY PILKENTON
12:02pm

Count me in!!!

----------------------------------------------

from CASEY PILKENTON
to BRIAN STONE
12:09pm

Brian,

I never intended for you to take part in this. This was a mistake.
I do, however, appreciate your enthusiasm for being a psychic medium, and if you'd like to work with us on Friday, I can give you directions to our location and tell you what to wear. The newbs always bring the lunch. I like chicken salad, but as I won't be here, you can bring whatever you like.

Get back to me immediately if this is still enticing.

-Casey

-------------------------------------------------------

from BRIAN STONE
to CASEY PILKENTON
12:11pm

I'm a psychic medium. I already know the location, directions and what to wear.

-----------------------------------------------------
from CASEY PILKENTON
to BRIAN STONE
12:12pm

Great! They'll be looking for you at 9am

YouTube Comments

This is a comment left on my favorite new video:


12 people jizzed uncontrollably and accidentaly clicked the dislike button

Indeed they did.

Pardon me, Twitter

But this is...awesome.

Sean T Sm00vE_#youlostmyrespect wen u told me ur man was gettin dropped off by his moms for yall date... #hesthirty

Unicorn!

Hip!Hip!Hooraaaaaay!

Po'm

A band of starving artists
With intergrity to accrue
Once found themselves employed
By the notorious Abram Blue

Young Abram was a trixter
Yet his heart was mainly pure
He'd hypnotize his loved ones
And erase all pain they had endured

"The problem with the practice
of hypnosis," Abram said
"Is that no one can believe it
Lest that person be brain dead."

This notion made him grimace
Til he conjured up an inkling
"Create the world around them!
Make them see what they are thinking."

He'd need a team of cunning
And outlandish, dream creators
Blue would be their master
A sort of creativeness curator

Blue, he searched far and wide
For his perfect candidates
For artists who needed sustenance
And joy from what they'd create

He came across Madeline
A modern vaudeville act
Who never made it through a show
With her clothing still intact

There was Barty Till, the strongman
Seamus Mick the painter
Daniel worked in magic
He was a cocky, chronic fainter

Liberty Weiss a songstress
Was a capable, lovely diva
With Meg & Mike's accomp'niment
She sounded great, you best believe-a

Carys rounded out the group
An artiste extraordinaire
With Blue they were a fellowship of nine
But they had no ring to bear

They set out to make millions
Enhancing the myth of hypnosis
They started helping elders
And those with a ghastly diagnosis

Then one day they were caught
By the husband of a wife
He told them he could sue them
Or perhaps he'd take a life

He gathered up the evidence
To charge them for their crimes
And off they went to People's Court
Airing 4pm, Eastern Standard time

The Blue team seen as liars
Were a media sensation
Selling magazines and air time
'Cross this proud, hypocritical nation

And so there came their fame
In a twisted, ironic form
Embrace by Hollywood elite
For being a touch off from the norm

Some found their way
Others didn't fit in
The liars took up residence
In the land of artistic sin

Then one day she came forth
She spoke out loud and plainly
"I was depressed and dying,
Twas these people who have saved me."

This filled older Abram with pride
And his charges felt it too
This lady, she felt joy
The mission of hynotist Blue

The judge threw out the case
Or perhaps he really didn't
For these are the makings of a screenplay
That has yet to be written...writ'nt

Rescued.

How the World Works

Man, I didn't even eat eggs this morning and I still have them on my face!


How silly of me to think you, a seemingly capable human being as you are operating a motor vehicle, would understand that my right turn signal means I am going to indeed be turning right. Even dumber that I take it you see that I am now MERGING into this right lane and positioning to turn, therefore you will take that as your cue to NOT try and pass me (illegally, I do believe) by using said right lane as your path.

See, here I am making assumptions about your common sense when all I've done is...well...you know the old adage..."make an ass out of U and me" and you were doing such a fine job making an ass out of your own damn self.

I've learned my lesson and will do better to stay out of your affairs.

Also, when it comes to courtesy...

I think, if you've thrown out something that weighs roughly the same as a bag of 18, human heads, it is only fitting that you take that bag out to the alley and throw it into the garbage yourself, prior to your roommate (who has been accidentally punched in the face and then almost intentionally side swiped by an oncoming vehicle) doesn't have to drag it out all by her lonesome because she is: A) Tired. B) Cranky C) Hot, and I don't mean sexy D)Tiny and E) A goddamn delicate flower this week!!

It's Time for an Episode of What I Said vs. What I SHOULD HAVE Said

Caller: Yeah I need to talk to someone in your lost and found. I came to the show last night and I think I left a key there.
Me: Okay, was it a car key?
Caller: Just a silver house key.
Me: Well, anything like that would be put in the safe and the night managers are the only ones with access. If you want to call back some time after four, they'd be able to look into that for you.
Caller: Yeah, but I'm locked out of my house right now. Can anyone help me?

WHAT I SAID
Me: Let me give you the number to the administrative line...

WHAT I SHOULD HAVE SAID
Me: Wait, you lost your house key last night and you're just now calling to ask us if we have it because you're locked out of your home?! Oh. This must mean you had sex last night. Well fuck you.

Click.

On the subject of Mel Gibson

First off, thanks to BuzzFeed. com for sharing these. Best thing since Kanye Gate, I'd say.

Secondly, a friend of mine posted this to his Facebook last night:
Chris O Biddle Is grossed out by the media feeding frenzy around Mel Gibson's marital problems. This is not news.

True. It isn't. This produced a lot of commentary from his friends. Which led to this follow up.

First of all, none of the dumb, hateful shit that the man said is illegal. So, there's that. Second, who recorded him and released the tapes to destroy his career? That's entrapment. Third, the ONLY reason why it's news is because that guy made some movies a few years ago. He. Made. Some. Movies. Didn't negotiate peace between two warring countries... See More. Didn't cure virulent diseases. Didn't hold political office and write laws that govern the rest of us. He pretended to pull a buddy off of an exploding toilet. THIS is why the news is devouring him, like a pack of piranhas.

Yes, the man is an awful racist. Sounds like he's also terrible to be married to. But in a world where we're currently entangled in two wars in two different countries, a major ecological disaster is still ongoing, we're in the middle of a financial disaster AND there might be the first major advance in the cure for AIDS... who has the air-time to waste on a "Mel Gibson has Anger Issues" segment.

Somebody should bury the national news media right in the rose garden. Those bunch of c@nts...*

Sincerely,
An Angry Old Man

*That final line and the expletive are direct quotes taken from the Mel Gibson rant. But then you know that, because you've heard it over and over and over, these last three days.

Agreed. Regardless of the crazed BS supposedly coming out of Gibson's mouth on these recordings, we only know half of the story,as the morning show I listened to on the way to work pointed out...repeatedly. Not to say anyone should be threatened in such a way, but if a man could talk to me like this and had hit me in the past, there is no way I would still be with him. That's ridiculous. Especially if he, as she claims, hit me while I was holding our child. Don't record him. Get the hell out of dodge and protect your kid if you think he's a monster!

I'm not saying he's in the right. I'm not saying she deserved it. But I am saying this is complete and utter shit and we should not be focused on it half as much as we are. Fact of the matter is, a lot of your favorite films star and were made by some fucked up human beings. Because, we are all, in fact, fucked up animals who are selfish, manipulative, raunchy, and even abusive. We can be just as terrible as we can be good.

Does that make it right? No.
Does that mean I can and will continue to watch Forever Young with great love for its cheesy, cinematic drivel? Yes. Yes, it does.

Now...how 'bout that oil in the Gulf, eh?

For every winner, there's an assload of losers.

So, my theater company just won a $20,000 grant for our expansion project that is coming up. Good thing, because there's no telling how we could have grown without it. Of course, everyone on this social networking site called "Facebook" was sick to death of seeing theater companies "beg" for votes to put them on the leaderboard so this money could be granted. Hell, I was sick of seeing it, myself, and I did my fair share of asking. I get it. I get overly tired of things that are run into the ground (Like people talking about Lebron James) and it makes me want to punch someone in the neck.

But it's over now. The winners have been announced and my company was one of 15 Chicago theaters recognized this year. I would think, as a performer in this city, that would be something you'd want to celebrate.

Instead, people choose to be dicks. Comments like, "Can I stop voting now?" and "Are you going to post 100 thank yous to everyone who voted for you?" are just catty, ridiculous, and, in my opinion, are in poor taste. Especially if you yourself have performed at that very venue many times. If the company shows you support, whether their Facebook pleas annoyed you or not, a simple "congrats" will suffice. If you don't care and want to say nothing at all...then that will do as well.

I'm sorry. It just had to be said. It's a great day for a lot of Chicago theaters as well as companies and charities across the country. Sometimes, we just need to hear good news. Stop being dicks.

No contest!

E! Thanks for all that you do, truly. I love you. You keep me going, really. I say all of that to you now, because I am about to get a little rude. No. Scratch that! Real. I'm getting real with you, E! Why? Because your content, other than Joel McHale's beautiful face on The Soup, is shit.

What ever could I be talking about, Reader? This...


The folks over at E! decided to have a competition to see who our favorite franchise leading lady is and our choices are Bella Swan from Twilight or Hermione Granger from Harry Potter.

I know. You can pretty much stop reading now, because you know who I'd choose. How about, though, for giggles and shits, I tell you why? Yes? Great!

Here is what makes Bella Swan suck: She is pining away over a schmuck who would much rather eat her than anything else, but making out is as close as he can get, because he comes from a family of strict vegetarians...or vampires who won't suck human blood. Outstanding! Also, this dude leaves her so she cries, hallucinates, and fucks up the heart of her faithful werewolf friend. Bella has no best friend to speak of, no real personality (unless she's attached to her stone cold, glittery boyfriend) and I don't think she has any hobbies, either, unless wishing to have sex with someone who will literally bite into your flesh is a hobby. Then the answer is, yes, she does in fact have things to do in her spare time.

So, who is Hermione Granger? Um. A fucking bad ass, that's who! She's smart and it's been proven repeatedly. She's knows how to do magic. She's snarky. And her boyfriend is a lovable dolt of a character, but sweet. Sure, it took a while for her to land her man, but she didn't wallow in the process. Nope. She kicked ass. She kicked it hard, she kicked it good. And, when Ron starting being a dick, she straight up conjured some birds and sent them charging towards that asshole's head so fast he couldn't even see straight. That's ballsy and awesome. Hermione will not sit in front of her front room window and watch the seasons change while she cries. She will read a book or something, at least!

Let's not even get into the territory of comparing the two actresses. On second though, let's! Emma Watson-- seems intelligent and clever, fashionable, yet still somewhat rough and tumble. She's not the best actress in the world, but I've seen much worse, and her name is Kristen Stewart. Oh, K-Stew! Stoned much? Awkward much? What's up with your clothes? Terrible. Are you as confused as the rest of the world by the fact that you're a paid actress? Because you look like it...constantly.

Hermione Granger is the woman we all want to be, though, more often than not, we end up being Bella Swan. It's days like these that we need to cut ourselves and drink heavily. Believe me, the hangover will make you smarter. No pain, no gain, right bitches?

So, E! it's no contest. The true winner of this, is Hermione Granger. Hands down. The end.

You probably shouldn't...

..do drugs because, if you become an addict, you are easy prey and fall victim to being tricked into being on a "show about addiction," which is really a HIT TELEVISION SHOW where you will, no doubt, be invited to an intervention. If you weren't so drugged out of your mind, you'd realize that shit's a lie. Especially by now. This show about interventions is a smash hit!

The show is called "Intervention" oddly enough.

Great Moments in Human Stupidity, vol. a gazillion

"Yeah, I heard your message saying you're sold out for tonight. Do you have any tickets for groups of 16 or more?"

Wow...

Wow. Amazing. (This title is sarcastic.)

The Today Show will never cease pushing my buttons. I guess that's why I love to hate it so.

This morning they featured a woman who has lost 100 pounds. No easy feat! I don't recall the woman's name or how long it took her to lose the weight, and I'm too lazy to go to Today's website to check it out myself. But they asked all the important questions when interviewing a weight loss...victim? Recipient? I don't know...insert proper word and continue...

"How on earth did you do it?"

This nameless woman started by cutting out the SIX SODAS she was drinking per day. She then moved on to eliminate the TWO JELLY DOUGHNUTS she ate for breakfast each morning. Oh, and then she exercised. Really? Jelly Doughnuts? Out of the vast array of fried, sugary goodness, jelly doughnuts don't even come close to the top of the list! That's not an opinion, that's just a fact. Look it up! If you're going to screw up, do it right!

Ah. Another success story from a follower of the No Shit Diet.

Don't Talk to Me Like That, You Rabbit!

(Yes, I am aware this photo is not of a rabbit.)

Whenever a person who has chosen a gluten free or vegan diet says something to me like, "I've never felt so great about my body and my health!," but I know that their subtext is, "I'm going to live longer than you," I just imagine the added stress they're under while dining out causing them to have a heart attack. I then consider the playing field even.

Are you kidding me, 'Today'?

Some wise guy at "The Today Show" has decided it'd be a swell idea to use Jenna Bush Hager as a correspondent, and we're all suffering because of it.

I hate "Today" as much as the next person, yet I can't stop watching, because I love their antics. But this just takes the cake. Bush Hager is the worst choice for this job ever. Period. End of sentence. And then here comes another one. A conservative three toed sloth with buck teeth and a lateral lisp would be more interesting to listen to, in my opinion. Actually, that's a terrible example, because that'd be amazing as hell.

But seriously! Have you heard her speak? Or, wait, not "speak,"...monotone her way through a story? I highly recommend checking it out so that you can be as charmingly pissed as I.

I do have a theory, though. I think this is old Bushy's way of still fighting the "terr-rists." I imagine a group of d-bags sitting around with some bombs thinking the US is due for some more pain, but then catching a segment of Jenna's on "Today" and saying,

"Oh. So they're into torturing themselves now? Eh. Nevermind."


And that, my friends, is looking on the bright side of things.