From STFU, Parents

"C’mon people. Don’t yell at employees who make minimum wage to man a table of grains just so you and your son can stuff your faces as you shop. That makes about as much sense as tinting your windows so dark that a cop has the right to issue you a ticket. I never understand why people do that."

Collection

I collect quotes...


" The woman who follows the crowd will usually go on further than the crowd. The woman who walks alone is likely to find herself in places no one has ever been before." Albert Einstein

"Talking about art is like dancing about architecture."-David Bowie

"In my heart, I'm a vegan. But in my mouth, I lack discipline."
...
"Writing, like kindness, is never a wasted activity. Never."

"So, I'm watching this show about a girl who was abducted and taken to Ireland, and I can't help but be jealous. I mean, at least she got to go somewhere."--Sarah Sargent

"Everytime I log into Myspace, I feel like a boy."

"This would be really funny if I didn't want ice cream right now!"

"I didn't know they were gay until my senior year of college. I just thought they were two friends who liked tigers."---Sarah Sargent, about Siegfried and Roy

"That's the problem with them fables, they're putting animals together that wouldn't meet. I don't know where a scorpion is knockin' around with a frog." - Karl Pilkington, a distant relative

"I just realized I'm 46 and have no idea why people keep going to the moon."

"Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things that escape those who dream only at night." Edgar Allan Poe

"Sometimes when I see unattractive couples I get grossed out, but then I get happy that somebody thinks they are attractive and loves them.
Then if I think about them doing it I get grossed out again"- Emily Harrison Bethune

"About 2% of my Christmas shopping is all I'm gonna do, 'cause that's the best kind of milk, and that's the best kind of shopping."

Where we're going...we need Ambien

I can't sleep so I decided to travel back to 2004 instead. Remember these fucking things?


***********FOODOLOGY************



What is your salad dressing of choice? Sun-dried tomato vinaigrette


What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? I'm going to go ahead and cheat with the answer ice cream. There are so many Ben and Jerry's flavors. Hooray! I've won this battle!



What do you like to put on your toast? eggs, cheese, peanut butter, nutella, jam, jelly, tuna, chicken salad...ham and cheese. Toast is basically just a container for a protein or a sweet thing, yes?



***********TECHNOLOGY***********



How many televisions are in your house? I don't know. I think there are 4, though I am only responsible for one of them and your judgment is not welcome here.


What color is your cellphone? gray...?



Do you have an iPod? I do. Her name is Mama Cass because she's big and white.



***************BIOLOGY************



Are you right-handed or left-handed? Right. Well, that was boring.


Have you ever been knocked unconscious? No. (Also boring)




************BULLOLOGY*************



If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? I worry about this enough as it is. I think I'd rather be surprised.



If you could change your name, what would you change it to? Tina Fey...and then I would welcome all the confusion this may cause. (Second choice would be Oprah Winfrey.)


Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000? Absolutely, especially if the person giving me the money was the one who came up with this dumbass questionnaire, because you gave no time constraint. That means in two months' time, once this bottle of Sriracha is finished, your ass has to pay up, sucker.


**************FAVORITOLOGY*******



Season? Fall! Are you kidding me with all these other seasons?



Holiday? Flag Day.



Day of the week? Nope



***********CURRENTOLOGY*********



Missing someone? This is constant.



Mood? Irritated. I would rather be sleeping right now.



What are you listening to? A woman on Headline News


Current worry? Memorizing this entire play that I wrote in a month.



************RANDOMOLOGY*********



First place you went this morning? Home. It was wild Sunday night.



What's the last movie you saw? Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang


Do you smile often? I do more these days than I have in the past probably, but I don't really keep track of of shit like this.





**********OTHER-OLOGY************



How many pairs of flip flops do you own? No comment



Last time you had a run-in with the cops? When I made that illegal U-turn back in March so I could grab some Dunkin Donuts' coffee before work.



Last person you talked to? David.



Last person you hugged? Some dude named Dan



Do you always answer your phone? Nope.



It's four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it? Someone who shouldn't expect me to read that message until 8 or 9 am.


If you could change your eye color what would it be? blue



Have you ever had a pet fish? Yes. I had a Crayola fish tank with a heater. I turned the thing on too high and when I came back to my room my poor fish, Pee Wee, Paula Abdul, and Mac (Macaulay Culkin) were swimming upside down and backwards. I'm still not 100% convinced that my naming a fish after her then torturing it is not what made Miss Abdul go batshit nuts.


Favorite Christmas song? Um.

What's on your wish list for your birthday? Tickets to anywhere in the world but Georgia. (No offense, Georgia, but I'm overdue for a real vacation.)



Can you do push ups? Yes. I say this confidently because you did not specify how many. ("You"? Who am do I think I'm talking to?)



Can you do a split? That's personal.

Does the future make you more nervous or excited? I don't think about it that much anymore because when I do I'm afraid the idea of it will make me nervous when what I want to be is excited. Ya know?


Do you have any saved texts? One particularly special one and several that include street addresses, because I'm too lazy to transfer them elsewhere.



Do you have an accent? A "drawl"...a "twang"...something. The more I drink, the more you hear it.



What is the last movie to make you cry? I don't know, but I'm hoping the Lifetime movie about William and Kate makes me sob, because it's so bad.



Plans tonight? I planned to sleep, but that fell through.



Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom? I thought so once, yes, but then I realized I was too young and had too much ahead of me, so I quit whining.



Name 3 things you bought last? tea, a pita from Pita Pit, dinner

Have you ever been given roses? Sure



Met someone who changed your life? Most of them have in a way. . .



Name two people who might complete this? n/a



Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? Yes! I would chat with everyone I know who has died and then, if I had the time, I'd go guest star on a episode of 'Full House'



Do you have any tattoos/piercings? This is stupid.

Does anyone love you? This is also stupid



Would you be a pirate? Oh, I steal music and tv through illegal download all the time.



What songs do you sing in the shower? Why am I doing this right now?



Ever had someone sing to you? I have...



When did you last cry? earlier



Have you held hands with anyone today? No



Who was the last person you took a picture of? Dan



Are most of the friends in your life new or old? It's sort of a happy blend.



Do you like pulpy orange juice? Yes!


What is something your friends make fun of you for? being disgruntled, I think. The friends who make fun of me the best are the old ones, and I haven't spent time with them in a while. I used to be teased about never dating. Well, screw you guys. I miss you so much!


I.
Can't.
Believe.
I did this.

Today's Thoughts

#1- Am I overly thrilled by the fact that there's a town in California called "Oxnard"? Um...define "overly"...

#2- To the girl who burst from some other dimension and ran directly in front of my car at the 4-way stop without giving me so much as a glance: Bright purple jacket? Nice choice. Otherwise, you would have been turned into a speed bump by a white Ford Focus today. As a pedestrian you do have the right of way, but you still have to proceed with caution and pay attention. Having the right of way does not make you invincible.

Unless...wait! Now I'm thinking about how you seemed to appear out of thin air. Bitch, do you have powers?!

#3- Speaking of 4-way stops, here's a thing most of Chicago seems to not know! When approaching an intersection with a stop sign it is absolutely necessary to stop when the car in front of you does because, well, you don't have much of a choice. However, and here is where some of you seem to be getting confused, when the car ahead of you goes and you pull forward to the stop sign, you still have to stop. "Again?!" Yes, again. See, the car in front of you stopping does not also count as your stop at the intersection. That's not how this works. Know how I know that? Because a stop sign, oddly enough, is not a traffic light, therefore the process is not the same. I hope this helps you not kill me and/or yourself during the morning commute. (Consider this my good deed for the day.)

#4- Ladies wearing flats without socks in 50-degree weather: Hoes, it is still nippy out. I know you're eager to show a little skin after the brutality that is Winter, but your time will come. Also, my socks and oxfords indicate that you are definitely not any better or cooler than I am. What have you got to prove anyway? Warmer weather is coming, I promise. Relax a bit.

#5- To the customers who try to memorize their credit card numbers then recite them while placing orders: Folks, I've said it before, I'll say it again, this shit is not necessary at all. It is printed across the plastic for a reason, and you are causing yourself much more frustration than you believe by trying to attempt this feat of lunatic daring. I will not think less of you if you are holding the card in front of you and reading it into the phone. In fact, I won't know the damn difference, because I can't see you through said phone. Also, I don't give a shit. Memorize something more useful in this situation like, for instance, which show you want to see or which night you'll be attending. (Though, even that could be written on a Post-It or something. It's cool.)

Nice job, caregiver

Her: Yeah, my friend is doing a midnight improv show. And, I'm just wondering if you think that would be an okay place for a kid or not really.
Me: I would say that it isn't.
Her: Why? Because of language.
Me: Possibly. We recommend 17 and up for all shows. With it being an improv show, we really don't know ahead of time what is going to be said. So, yeah, I would say it would be a bad idea to bring a child for that fact.
Her: So, if I bring the kid, will you just not let us in?
Me: How old is the kid?
Her: Seven.


Seven. Never you mind our age minimum being (inexplicably) ten years old, why won't he be in bed at midnight? The little scamp needs a night of 'fucks' and blowjob jokes before being tucked in, I guess. Ahh, to be young...

Fashion common sense

Flip flops. A summer necessity.
Makers and designers of flip flops, I don't understand. Your job is to create a thing, and I am behind that one hundred percent. You're lucky, but you should maybe think about another outlet for your artistic side. A craft project at home, perhaps? Paint a mural in your family room?

Casey. What are you talking about?
This, fools.

Now, this flip flop design makes sense. The floral pattern covers a large area, leaving some of the color to peek out above the toes of the wearer. I can accept flip flop artwork such as this. However...


What the fuck is this noise? The design is positioned perfectly underneath your grubby foot for absolutely no one to see. Unless the soles of your dogs appreciate a fine piece of art, this is pointless. The only time anyone will see this is when you take the damn things off. At that point you've worn them, leaving the prettiness (Let's be kind. Someone thought this was pretty.) sullied by your sweaty, dirty foot grime. This is a travesty and it makes an artist and fashion lover sad as hell.

Flip flop designers, respect yourselves. You are better than this and deserve to have your creativity exhibited someplace other than a flimsy piece of foam upon which a person's pedal extremity shall rest.