Bio.

From a Gchat conversation

" I'm like a hybrid of 90 year-old woman with arthritis who used to be a whore and a 14 year-old, peppy, boy who wishes he was a girl and doesn't know he's gay yet"

Just stating the facts.

It Happened Backstage

Setting: Backstage at Hey!Dancin'! Sunday night. It's raining

Aileen and Casey sit backstage left. Everyone is probably hung over from the night before. Actors are tired and crashing from a pre-show sugar high. The door cracks open as Esteban steps just outside of it. He reaches for the fly of his red pants

Aileen: Estie, don't pee here.

Casey (inner monologue): That's hilarious. Why would he pee there?

Esteban: Why not?

Casey (internally): Oh, he really was going to pee there.

Aileen: Just please don't.

Esteban: Why?

Casey (inside thoughts): Because someone's going to come down the stairs and see your dick, that's why. Not like you'll care, but still.

Aileen: Please. It's going to splash on me. Move further outside.

Esteban: No. It's raining and I'll get my shoes wet.

Aileen: Estie, just don't.

Esteban: I have to go here! I left my bags (used to cover his shoes) on the other side of the theater for when I do my reach around.

A tired and frustrated Aileen walks stage right without another word. Esteban relieves himself. I am amused by the fact that Aileen is not disgusted by Esteban peeing so close to us. Rather, she's pissed (pun intended) because it is sort of inconveniencing her and she's just too tired to fight him.

Casey: Melissa! Cat! Listen to what just happened...

American woman

I just popped 100 calorie popcorn.
Then I melted and added butter.
I grabbed some sour, gummy candy & a Butterfinger.
And I sit on my bed and devour this while watching "Roseanne" reruns.

Never has a moment in human history been equally disgusting as it is fantastic...until now.

Bad Choices in Pop Culture, Vol. 1

The Today Show thought it'd be fun to show some amazing photos of the Icelandic volcano that's been getting recent buzz. Though, during their photo montage, they chose to play "It's The End Of The World As We Know It" by R.E.M.

Bad choice. Was this a joke? A failed attempt at being light hearted, Today.

Kudos, Self.

Sometimes, I like to pretend I'm someone else and read my blog. And I like to say out loud, "Man, she's got some funny shit to say."

I mean...I hate to toot my own horn, but uh...



BEEP!BEEP!

Things A Single Woman Might Say, Vol. 2

"All I'm sayin' is, I can't wait to get to El Cid so I can sip my margarita through a fuckin' glow in the dark straw shaped like a DICK! I mean...is this a bachelorette party or WHAT?!

This has been another installment of Things A Single Woman Might Say

Ca-Ca-Ca-Cats!

Look at this effing cat.
It isn't mine, but man do I wish mine would take some initiative! I mean, what a great photo!

I am neither a dog, nor a cat person. I am an animal person. I love them all. Except snakes...get the hell out of here with those. I understand there are people who don't "get" cats, but I'll be damned if I'm going to ever see eye-to-eye with a person who just flat out hates them. If anything, they've just been meeting the wrong cats.

Case in point: this little idiot here, wearing this contraption on its head and looking as dignified as ever. It's as if it were intentional. Put that on a dog's head and it will give you a look as if to say, "Oh, man, I am such a goofball. Aren't I? Am I not the biggest goof?"

But, this cat is just like, "Yeah. I'm wearing this. And? You still want to pet me. You're into it. And why shouldn't you be? I look damn good!"

It doesn't matter what the cat does, it will do it with grace and dignity. I'd even go so far as to say, when it comes to fashion, cats are the Lady Gaga of the animal kingdom. They will wear some crazy bullshit with pride seeking only your attention and never your approval.

This week.

Really?
I began Sunday by stepping barefoot onto a hot curling iron. Cool. Sad for the left foot.
Then, Monday, I started developing a cold from outer space. Sad for the rest of the body. Only my right foot was unscathed.
Until...um...bug bite? Between my toes? I can't even begin to imagine how a person who has been constantly socked and shoed for the past nine months could acquire such an affliction, but happened it has. Now my right foot has joined the fray.

My entire body is revolting against my schedule...demanding that I rest. Yeah? At least, that's what my DVR is saying.