School Menus

Last weekend, I took a fast and furious trip back to rural Georgia where I like to spend my time skimming through the paper for any former classmates who are now getting married, having babies, or going to jail. Lo and behold, I found the Pike County Elementary and Middle School menu! Let me just say that the following is, word-for-word, what I found in the paper. It may also be considered mild child abuse. (Please note this was printed in a weekly publication that goes out on Wednesdays, so the menu options are listed as Thursday-Wednesday. I just didn't want to confuse you. Weeks work the same way in the south as they do every where else. Food does not.)

Thursday
Breakfast: Pop tarts or breads, cheese grits
Lunch: Fish and hush puppies or ham sandwich, fries, slaw, juice bars

Friday
Breakfast: Croissant with cheese, sausage
Lunch: Tacos or pizza, salad, corn, beans, cake


Monday
Breakfast: Pizza (My response: Is this a college dorm?)
Lunch: Burrito with re-fried beans, Spanish rice or chicken sandwich, or burrito with green beans, potatoes, cookies.
(Are the green beans in the burrito?)

Tuesday
Breakfast: Chicken biscuit
Lunch: Fajitas or hot dog, slaw and chips, or salad and rice, beans, Jell-O

Wednesday
Breakfast: Pancakes, sausage
Lunch: Beef ravioli with vegetable dippers, green beans, or chicken, Texas toast, or tuna salad, vegetable dippers (again), slaw, cinnamon rolls

CINNAMON ROLLS! Those jags wouldn't let us have any Cokes but installed a Fruitopia machine, and now the breakfast options for kids consist of old pizza, fried chicken biscuits, Pop Tarts and "breads"?

Give us news, not bullshit

Well, now you've done it, Today Show.


If you aren't spending the morning telling me what I shouldn't eat, you're telling me what I should be eating only to turn around a year later and tell me that very "healthy" thing I'd been working into my diet is now giving me every type of cancer known to man. In fact, it may have even invented two new forms of cancer in order to attack my body. Great. Your health segments! How they never cease to annoy me.

This lovely and frigid morning, I awoke to the dulcet tones of the "Eat This, Not That" guy. You know him. He wrote a set of books filled with sage advice such as: eat apples instead of ten packs of Oreos or some shit. He was chatting all about restaurant freebies and how that "little bread basket" on the table might be killing your diet. Since we are all so stupid that the Today Show took it upon themselves to give us this tidbit of info, let me dumb down my response to this: Uh...duh squared, buddy.

So what were these little restaurant freebies being ripped apart for their fat and sodium content? Really, [insert sarcasm here] shocking and surprising items like Red Lobster's delicious cheese biscuits, some Ruby Tuesday's-esque establishment's fantastical Bottomless French Fries, and Endless Pancakes from Denny's. Wow. Really? The only selections that could have possibly, maybe shocked viewers were the chips and salsa and soup and bread sticks from Olive Garden, but even that's a stretch. Why? Because this is America and, as a general rule, dining out in our country is just not healthy.

Today Show, I mean this with all due respect, please shut up. These segments are bogus and as filling as a basket full of free bread. No one watching this is learning a damn thing, because your audience is not comprised of five-year-old children. Adults are watching, and any grown ass person who thinks they'll be going to Denny's for a healthy meal needs to be slapped. They also need their citizenship and right to vote taken away, because their idiocy makes their ability to function in modern society a bit questionable. It isn't the knowledge of caloric content that we need as a country. We have the understanding. What we need is to care. And we don't. We don't care about fighting with one another, we don't care about killing one another, we don't care that we regularly discriminate against our own citizens because of their love interests, their color, or their religion. And we certainly don't care that we have made ourselves physically unhealthy by eating copious amounts of delicious, buttery, fluffy pancakes.

Find a missing child, please.

Nice try, Health Nuts! If that is your REAL name...

Stop wasting paper, XSport. I will not be joining your gym. Your eagerness to take my money makes me think you are less interested in my fitness than I am...and look at what I ate today! Screw you. Stop soliciting on my car.

American woman

I just popped 100 calorie popcorn.
Then I melted and added butter.
I grabbed some sour, gummy candy & a Butterfinger.
And I sit on my bed and devour this while watching "Roseanne" reruns.

Never has a moment in human history been equally disgusting as it is fantastic...until now.