I am currently disgusted by "formerly"s

The Today Show... Why do I bother?

This morning, Meredith interviewed Stephanie Dolgoff, author of the book "My Formerly Hot Life." One day, Dolgoff awoke to find she was no longer a spring chicken but she also wasn't an old bat, so she was confused, poor thing. She could have left her husband and family and gone on some pretentious, soul-searching adventure through a foreign land, but someone already wrote that book, and now Julia Roberts is portraying the author in the film. Old. Hat.

What could she do but start another movement of epically, nonsensical proportions? She decided she was no longer a "young, hot girl" she was... "a formerly." Apparently, this is something women who are hitting their 40's are realizing, and they're all pouncing on Dolgoff's book like those shiny, green flies you see swarming around dead things or a pile of shit. Which is appropriate, because that's what all of this is... a pile of festering bullshit.

I am sick of women bitching about being women. Yes, sometimes we are discriminated against because of our tits, and that is upsetting. We can also rule the world with those things because, as a general rule, straight men are kind of dumb and entranced by them, and we should use that shit to our advantage. (And I'm not talking about whoring it up. Though, if that's your thing, go right ahead.)

Stephanie Dolgoff irritated me several times throughout the interview. "...when I became a formerly..." That is not a thing, Dolgoff!! You can't invent a term and then become that thing. What gives you the authority? You're just a chick whose boobs rest a bit lower! You're still a pretty lady. Get over yourself. She pissed me off the most when the following happened:

Meredith: You became, what you called "an adult tween" and it happened while you were riding on the subway. What happened?

Adult tween? You've already lost me, but I'm too busy getting dressed for work to change the station

Stephanie: Well I met my husband on the subway and back then I was considered, you know, pretty hot and flirting on the subway was a standard...

Are you kidding me with this? But wait... there's more

Stephanie:...And um, a guy said, "Excuse me, what time is it?" And I was like [insert eye roll here], "Ugh... here we go again..." And he just really wanted to know what time it was.

Meredith: He wasn't trying to pick you up.

I'm vocal now

Me: Seriously?

Stephanie: Not in any way, shape, or form. There was a series of signs, but that was one of them.

Me: Oh, please. Shut. The fuck. Up.

Yeah, there's a stigma attached to women aging and their sexuality but, according to Dolgoff, it's something that "no one was talking about." Really? Because I think it was called Sex and the City, and I'm pretty sure it also sucked. As a woman myself, I don't think I want to take advice from a former conceited bitch who woke up one day and realized gravity happens. I am somewhat confident, somewhat quirky and weird. I was that way before I started menstruation and I will be that way when I am perimenopausal. I do not need pretentious housewives with too much time on their hands telling me how to live my life as a woman by writing books. Unless I undergo surgery, I have no choice but to live my life as a woman, because I was born with these parts.

Stephanie Dolgoff and women like her act as if there's a day you wake and realize you have T&A, soft skin, better fashion choices and, therefore, this makes you different and you should automatically fight for equality for your own kind. I'm all for fighting for that, but if you aren't being directly oppressed at the time, then what the hell are you bitching about? Rights to equal pay = an important issue. Not getting hit on by strangers on the train once you've hit 40= not an issue. You have a husband. Go drink some fucking wine and stop being such a baby. Or, if standing up for human rights is your thing, why not speak on someone's behalf? Perhaps it could be for a person (or group of persons)currently dealing with a legitimate issue.

P.S. I act every now and then and would love to be in the film version of your book, Stephanie. But, I don't have excessive amounts of underarm flap yet, so we may need to put that off for another decade or two. Think about it. Get back to me. I love a good parody.