Today, like many others, I am wearing purple to honor those young people who have been bullied due to their sexuality. Last night, oddly enough, I came across something I wrote about five months ago about my propensity to befriend gay men and to honor my uncle, a man who died far too young, before he could come out. I thought it fitting to post that on my blog today.
I love and miss you every day, Jeffrey.
If I told you I could pinpoint the day when I first noticed this,well, I'd be lying. It probably hit my radar about the same time I started doing theater on a regular basis, though I can't even recall exactly when that was. It was a self esteem boost for sure! No less than ten, attractive men vying for my affections, telling me I'm great, I'm beautiful, complimenting my clothes. They just couldn't get enough of me. They loved my opinionated bitchiness and appreciated my need for quiet time and space. They shared all of my interests and fawned over my Cher impression. They made me feel like a princess, so loved and respected. The only drawback...they detested my T & A.
Yep, since a very youthful age, I have been a gay magnet.
My mom says it comes from my uncle Jeffrey. He died when I was nine. He was effeminate. He loved soap operas. One of my most vivid memories is of him watching something like "As The World Turns" or the "Young and the Restless" on the couch in my grandmother's living room. A heated fight broke out between a couple on the show. It was more than my nine year old brain could handle at the time. With one swift and dramatic move, the male half of the couple pulled a handgun and BANG!
Then, from the sofa, there came the loudest intake of breath I'd ever heard, a hand to the chest, his jaw dropped as he shouted, "He shot her!"
I knew I loved that moment then, though I never quite knew why until just recently. I now know that was my first sister to gay man moment. I'm so glad that I didn't miss out on that.
Jeffrey passed away several months later-complications due to viral pneumonia. Now, of course, we all know that means he had the AIDS virus. When it's the early 90's, and you live in the south, AIDS is a dirty word. You simply cannot say it. And, if you do, people are going to judge it. I recall a kid in my 10th grade chemistry class saying that all people with AIDS should be taken to a deserted island and bombed. I also remember nearly being expelled for the tongue lashing I gave him following his little speech. Very few in my school knew that I'd lost someone to that virus, someone very important. I simply couldn't talk about it, not because I was ashamed, but because I absolutely refused to allow this small-minded community judge someone they barely knew.
My mom says that, as I've gotten older, I am Jeffrey reinvented. His love of pop music, dance, theater, and bad tv all dwell inside of me. It's as if I took all of his favorite things and created a little home for them in my heart without even knowing. I honestly believe, if he were alive today, he would be my best friend. That belief brings about in me a sadness I cannot quite put into word, and yet it comforts me profoundly as well.
Recently, a really good friend of mine had speculation that her younger cousin was gay and too afraid to come out to the family. She kept trying to find ways to talk with him about it that wouldn't make him uncomfortable, but no such luck. He found me on Twitter not too long ago. We wrote back and forth a total of three times before he admitted his sexuality to me. My friend simply said, "Casey, you're like a gay whisperer."
I don't know where it comes from or why they flock in my direction, but they do. And I can't say that I hate it. I absolutely love the attention. But, having a personality that lures gay men can have its downfall as well. I know of two guys I've kissed in my lifetime who turned out to be gay. I really liked both of them, too. And then there's my first boyfriend from when I was five, my first kiss. He's rumored to be gay as well. So, if my friendship doesn't lure you from the closet in which you shouldn't hide, surely my saliva can.
I'm not bragging. I'm simply stating the obvious. Gay men love me, and I can't help but love them back. As someone who was heavily influenced for the first decade of her life by a man who had to hide his sexuality, I feel it is my duty to stand beside all my gay and lesbian friends and help them find their voice when they need it. I hope and pray that, in my lifetime, I'll see a world where those friends of mine can marry someone they love. It's a world my uncle never got to witness. I hope that when I pass and we meet, where ever that place may be, I get to tell him all about it. And then we get to geek out on tv and stuff.
Much love to Robert Jeffrey Pilkenton!
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