Friend, I can't decide if sex addicts are real.

Dr. Phil's show is a great conversation starter

Joshua: I like weed, but I don't think I think about it eighty-five percent of the day...hell, not even fifte percent of the day. Or five. I just can't think of anything in my life that just consumes the majority of my thoughts.

Me: No. There's other stuff. . .

Joshua: I got stuff to see.

Me: There's a whole big, wide world out there.

Joshua: And if you close your eyes...and do nothin' but fuck, you gonna miss it. It's just gonna pass you by. . .

Doh!erty

Casey: (singing the Education Connection jingle)

Julia: Do the Education Connection ads with Shannen Doherty make you guys a little sad?

Casey: Yeah, kind of.

Shawn: Nah, I think they're fine.

Bangin'

Casey: ...then he said, "I'll see what I can do."

Dan: Were you finger bangin'?

Casey: No, Dan! But, I did finger bang his butthole.

Dan: Oh, really?

Casey: Yeah, but like...I was still in my office and he was in his.

Dan: Wow.

Casey: Yeah, my fingers can apparate and disapparate but only from my hand into other people's asses.

Dan: You know...they say that, after a couple years in a relationship, there are no surprises...

**Note: I had already used the term "finger bangin'" earlier that afternoon. In no way is Mr. Granata this crass. (Dan, do you think they bought my disclaimer?)

Sorry, I was in her fan club.

Heather: Did you know Paula is in the hospital?

Casey: No!

Heather: Sorry. Wrong chat.

Casey: Oh! I thought you meant Paula Abdul.

Heather: No. Coworker.


I hope both Paulas are okay.

Automatically not people

Look. They're "bear-shaped" blobs. 

Holding a gummy bear.

Casey: Can we be honest with ourselves? These don't look like bears.

John: Well what do they look like?

Casey: Not bears. Examine this.

Handing a gummy to John.

John: This is totally a bear.

Casey: Nah.

Rawson enters.

Rawson: What's going on?

John: Casey doesn't think these look like bears.

Casey: They don't!

Rawson: Let me see.

Casey: Look, they're kissing.

John: How can they kiss if they're not bears?

Casey: What?!

John: You said they weren't bears. How are they kissing.

Casey: You don't have to be a bear to kiss. I've kissed and I'm not a bear.

John: So are they people?

Casey: No!

John: What else can kiss?

Rawson: Anything with lips.

Casey: Just because I said they aren't bears doesn't mean they're automatically people.

John: This is why I won't listen to any of your arguments because they make no logical sense.

Casey: I'm leaving. It's rude in here.

Grandmother knows best.

From last night. Please read all of this with a southern accent.


Memaw: I went to the movies the other night.

Casey: Yeah? What'd you see?

Memaw: I saw Meryl Streep's new movie.

Casey: Oh, how was it?

Memaw: It was...okay.

Casey: Not that great?

Memaw: Well, I think it embarrassed Peggy.

Casey: Why?

Memaw: It's about this couple and they're trying to work on their marriage.

Casey: Okay...so...

Memaw: In the bedroom.

Casey: It was sexual? Is that what you're telling me?

Memaw: (giggling) Well...it wasn't normal sexual. There was...a bit more spice to it.

Casey: Well, okay. I see.

Memaw: But, yeah, it was good. Tommy Lee Jones is in it and he is looking old!

Casey: He looks old? He's always looked old.

Memaw: Well he has, but I don't know if it was all the close up shots of his face or what, but he had more wrinkles than I've got. He must have lost weight or something.

Casey: You think?

Memaw: Well when people lose a lot of weight, they can look older. Your skin sags. Of course, your skin sags just from getting older, too. You start to look crunchy.

Casey: Crunchy?!

Memaw: Yeah, that's what's wrong with me. I'm getting crunchy. Well, I'll let you get back to your dinner. I just wanted to talk to you.

Emily's wedding. Best bridesmaid and best (bossiest) florist/wedding coordinator she's ever known.

This office smells

Rawson: Smells like tea.

Nicole: What?

Rawson: What is that?

Nicole: Tea.


Five minutes later.


Rawson: Smells like burp. Did you just burp?